Humor # 95

Thanks to Margaret Cott  
HOSPITAL CHARTS

Actual Entries in Hospital Charts..........

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status:  Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

His skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin somewhat pale, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Father O'Malley and Sen. Daschle

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also ‘bliged to notify the next of kin.

Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married.  They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.  Jacob suggests that they go in.  Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob:  "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist:  "Of course we do."

Jacob:  "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist:  "All sorts."

Jacob:  "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist:  "Definitely."

Jacob:  "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist:  "Of course."

Jacob:  "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist:  "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob:  "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist:  "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca:  "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."

The Replacement of Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a  ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls  should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding,  determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal  procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are  replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It  is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining  optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact  the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary  items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

  Subject: Job Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, 'A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." 

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.! "A blink is the fastest thing I know of." 

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche' for speed." He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light. "he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three  previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I pooped my pants.

 He got the job.

Thanks to Ken Hayden

A Husband Shopping Center

 A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's must be more further up!" And, again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on? "

So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

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