mo-river.net is provided by Unlimited Data Systems as a public service.

Humor #84

Thanks to Wayne Lammers

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in a Confessional box and says nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, the bewildered priest coughs to attract the drunks attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, pal, there's no paper in this one either"..

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "Boy, you must have really pissed Grandma off!!"

Men's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men.  Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.  Then, bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, remove his name from the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER: this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but, DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got  his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men!

Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC

Bubba Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC

Viagra Slogans  
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"  
  9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.  
  8. Viagra, Like a rock!  
  7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
  6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.  
  5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.  
  4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].  
  3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!  
  2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:     1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

  Thanks to Margaret Cott  

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.  
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.  
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.  
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I  apologize" and "You are right."  
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.  
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.  
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was "Go!  You  might meet somebody!"  
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.  
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year  from  now? How about one month? One
     week? One day?'  
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.  
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!  
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a  bad or former relationship just might
      mean that the other person was right about you.  
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.  
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you  are going to need them to empty your
       bedpan.

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing the letter and supply a new definition.  

Here are the 2001 winners: 

Intaxication:          Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation:      Coming back to life as a hillbilly.  
Foreploy:              Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.  
Giraffiti:                  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.  
Sarchasm:            The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.  
Innoculatte:          To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.  
Hipatitis:               Terminal coolness.  
Osteopomosis:     A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).  
Karmageddon:     It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the
                               earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.  
Glibido:                  All talk and no action.  
Dopeler Effect:    The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And the pick of the literature:  
Ignoranus:             A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 == Lucky Irish Golfer ===  
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.  He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.  

Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'  The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'  The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.' The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?' The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'

The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?' The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.' The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!' The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'