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Humor #81

Thanks to Dave Lankford

Lawyers
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.  
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. 

The lawyer sued....and won!  In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."  

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.  THERE IS A JUST GOD~~!!!!!!!!!!

Wife & Mother  
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was  
spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."  

Tax Time  
Father O'Malley answers the phone..."Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is." "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can."  "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do." "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is." "Did he donate $10,000?" (pause)  "He will."

Senior Moment 
An elderly couple had dinner at friends' house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.  
I would recommend it highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" asked the other man. "Yes, answered the first man, then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Thanks to Ken Hayden

 How about a few Brain Teasers: 
1.  A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
     the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
     Which room is safest for him?  

2.  A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him.
     But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.  How can this be?  

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the
     jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4.  What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
     Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so
      plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it,
      and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

 Sorry, I don't have the answers to these... Just kidding. 

 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.  
 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3.  Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water
     came from which jug. 
4. The answer is Charcoal.  
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 
6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long
     paragraph.

Hope you enjoy this walk down memory lane...
I want to go back to the time when............
Mom was at home when the kids got home from school, when nobody owned a purebred dog, when a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus when you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny, when all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teacher had their hair done and wore high heels, when you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked and gas pumped without asking, all for free, every time, and, you didn't pay for air, and, you got trading stamps to boot.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents, when the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum, when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car, to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped yarn so it would fit her finger.

And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.  And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a ...."
Remember jumping waves on the beach for hours in that cold water; and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game because baseball was not a psychological group learning experience, it was a game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. 

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace and share it with the children of today.

Remember when being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Go back with me for a minute.... Before the Internet or the MAC...before semi automatics and crack ... before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back .... I'm talking about hide and go seek at dusk, red light-green light, kick the can, playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on... and mother may I?,  red rover, hula hoops, roller skating to music, running through the sprinkler...

And...Catching lightning bugs in a jar, Christmas morning; your first day of school; bedtime prayers and goodnight kisses; climbing trees; getting an ice cream off the ice cream truck; a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers; jumping on the bed;  pillow fights; running till you were out of breath' laughing so hard your stomach hurt; being tired from playing; your first crush...remember that?

I'm not finished yet.... Kool-aid was the drink of summer; toting your friends on your handle bars; wearing your new shoes on the first day of school and class field trips. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! There's nothing like the good old days.

They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them.  Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them. I want to go back to the time when............Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"and mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do it over!"  Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest; money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly;" catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening; and it wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20 and the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. 
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better; it was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park; getting a foot of snow was a dream come true; abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare;" spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles; the worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team; water balloons were the ultimate weapon; and older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!  Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life.  I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Coca-Cola was originally green. 
 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.  
 Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks  like it's kissing the conveyor
 belt. 
1/4 of LA is taken up with automobiles 
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 2 out of 5 people live in China or India   Darlene, please check this out - the answer doesn't make sense?

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 
The city with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong 
The most commonly used password on computer systems is "password." 
The youngest pope was 11 years old. 
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?  A. No theme song.  
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?   A. Their birthplace. 
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A. All
     invented by women.  
Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.  A. Honey  
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?  A. He was allergic to carrots.

 West Virginia hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day the Army issued  
 him a tooth brush. On the fourth day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day he was
 issued a jock strap...that afternoon Herman went AWOL.

 Thanks to Jeff Lueck

Life in 2002  
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses.  
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.  
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's
     for dinner?"  
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.  
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.  
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.  
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.  
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.  
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.  
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.  
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now
      a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.  
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.  
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.  
14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.  
15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.  
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.  
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes.  
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.  
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.  
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.  
21. You awake at 2 A.M., use the rest room then check your E-Mail before returning to bed.  
22. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.  
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)  
24. You are reading this.  
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. (as I did)

Thanks to  Suzanne Kateman

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