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Humor #80

Thanks to Tine Sippley

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.  The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."  The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."   "Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Kansas City chiefs early morning football practice was delayed on Friday for nearly two hours
at Arrowhead Stadium. One of the players,while on his way to the field happened to look down  
and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Dick Vermeil immediately suspended practice while the Missouri Bureau of Investigation &
FBI were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that  
the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Thanks to Cindy Thomas

Medical Update
Ø      I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left.  My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...I'm going to look for those checks... But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while... I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water... I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There's my glasses... I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.  I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots--Aaaaaagh!  Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??!!

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only  has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!   When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because: I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'd get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

  Thanks to Chuck Schneider
   
Noah's New Ark  
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.  The Lord speaks to Noah and says:  "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.  but, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. there, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  In a flash of lighting, God deliver the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember", said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything on board in one year."  

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.  "Noah" He shouted, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big problems.  

First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans." "Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.  Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."  

"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I need the wood to save the owls.  However the  
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch and owls.  So, no owls.  The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the national Labor Union.  Now I have 16 carpenters on  
the Ark, but still no owls." "When I started rounding up the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."  
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe."  

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless unbelieving people aboard!  The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark a recreational water craft.  
"Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that, since Good is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional." "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years! Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up hopefully.  "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly.  "The government already has."

 READ   ALL THE WAY TO THE END OF THE FOLLOWING-THERE'S A TRICK TO IT.
Finally a Barbie I can relate to.    At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie:  Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames
     too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.            

2. Hot Flash Barbie:  Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face  turn beet red while tiny drops of
     perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie:  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow.   Available with teensy
     tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie:    Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns.  Good news
    on the tummy front,  two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie:  Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty
     arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie:  Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle,
     from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old
     high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.  Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
     cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie:   It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is
    just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
    Napa Valley to open a B&B.  Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie: Sells for$ 199.99.   Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve
      Steps instead of dance steps.  Clean and  sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
      copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things,
      and cries a lot.  She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
      channels.  Comes with Depends and Kleenex.  As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your
      Inner Self" is included. 

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