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Humor #79
Thanks to Tara Sippely
Here are some REALLY bad jokes when you have time to read them . .
1. Two vultures board
an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks
at them and
says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."
2. Two boll weevils
grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous
actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two
weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting
in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog
walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and
announces: "I'm looking
for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about
the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to
transcend dental
medication.
6. A group of chess
enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked,
as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in
an open
foyer."
7. A woman has twins
and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt
and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were
behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop
to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be
back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent
florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as
you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive
set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This
made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's
good) A super callused
fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there
was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope
that at least one of
the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
Don't Step On the Ducks!
Three women die together in
an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only
have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the
first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with
the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!" The next day, the second
woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss
a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them
together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has
observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is
very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsomest man she has ever
laid eyes on...very tall,
muscular, and tan. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman
remarks, "I wonder what I did
to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't
know
about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Thanks to Wayne Lammers
Dog
Quotes
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went." - Will Rogers
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -
Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." - Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew
A.
Rooney
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a
cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face."
-Ben Williams
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can
spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has
ever made" - M. Facklam
Thanks to Dave Lankford
100 Years Ago
Some of us may remember
some things close to these itemized stats and most of us realize the amazing
changes, which occurred during the 20th Century, but the contrasts of what was
in 1901 as opposed to what is in 2001 are awesome.
Now that the 21st Century
has finally arrived, it might be fun to look back at the beginning of the last
century and see what it was like. Read on!
The average life
expectancy in the United States was 47.
Only 14% of the homes in
the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8% of the homes had
a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven
dollars.
There were only 8,000
cars in the US and 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit
in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi,
Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million
residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous State in the
Union.
The tallest structure in
the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the
US was twenty-two cents an hour.
The average US worker
made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant
could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1500 and $4000 per year and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per
year.
More than 95% of all
births in the United States took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US
physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools,
many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as
"substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a
pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed
their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law
prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as
travelers or immigrants.
The five leading causes
of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza
The American flag had 45
stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to
the Union yet.
Drive-by-shootings -- in
which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly
shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were
an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.
The population of Las
Vegas, Nevada, was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a
handful of ranchers and their families.
Plutonium, insulin, and
antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet.
Scotch tape, crossword
puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day
or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults
couldn't read or write.
Only 6% of all Americans
had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and
morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
Red
Neck Med Terms
Artery..............................The
study of paintings.
Benign.............................What
you be after you be eight.
Bacteria..........................Back
door to cafeteria.
Barium............................What
doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..........................Searching
for Kitty.
Cauterize........................Made
eye contact with her.
Colic................................A
sheep dog.
Coma..............................A
punctuation mark.
D&C...............................Where
Washington is.
Dilate..............................To
live long.
Enema............................Not
a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker
than someone else.
Fibula.............................A
small lie.
Genital............................Non-Jewish
person.
G.I.Series.......................World
Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.........................What
you hang your coat on.
Impotent..........................Distinguished,
well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...........................A
higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..........................Cheaper
than day rates.
Node...............................I
knew it.
Outpatient......................A
person who has fainted.
Pap Smear....................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..............................Second
cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...........................Darn
near killed him.
Secretion........................Hiding
something
Seizure...........................Roman
emperor.
Tablet.............................A
small table.
Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.............................More
than one.
Urine..............................Opposite
of you're out
Varicose........................Near
by