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Humor #77
Thanks to Dave Lankford
A
Good Grin
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the
three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but
all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer? "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Ø
Subject: Deep Thoughts
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. said, 'The whole time.'
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery
is dead?
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called
builts?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for
something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help
section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Thanks to Sarah
Schneider
TWENTY-SEVEN LESSONS MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
1. My mama taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -- If you are going to
kill each other, do it outside! I just
finished cleaning this house.
2. My mama taught me RELIGION -- You better pray that will come out of the
carpet!
3. My mama taught me TIME TRAVEL -- If you don't straighten up, I'm going to
slap you into the middle of next week!
4. My mama taught me LOGIC (1) -- Because I said so, that's why!
5. My mama taught me LOGIC (2) -- If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me!
6. My mama taught me FORESIGHT -- Be sure you have on clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident!
7. My mama taught me IRONY -- Keep on crying and I'll give you something to
cry about!
8. My mama taught me the science of OSMOSIS -- Shut your mouth and eat your
supper!
9. My mama taught me how to be a CONTORTIONIST -- Will you look at the dirt
on the back of your neck!
10. My mama taught me about STAMINA -- You'll sit there until all of those
turnip greens are gone!
11. My mama taught me about WEATHER -- It looks like a tornado swept through
your room!
12. My mama taught me to solve PROBLEMS IN PHYSICS -- If I yelled because you
were going to be hit by a car,
would you listen to me then?
13. My mama taught me about HYPOCRISY -- If I've told you once, I've told you
a thousand times, don't exaggerate!
14. My mama taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE -- I brought you into this world and
I can take you out!
15. My mama taught me BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -- Stop acting like your father!
16. My mama taught me about ENVY -- There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you have!
17. My mama taught me about ANTICIPATION -- Just wait until we get home!
18. My mama taught me about RECEIVING -- You're going to get it when we get
home!
19. My mama taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -- If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they're going to get stuck that way!
20. My mama taught me to THINK AHEAD -- If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!
21. My mama taught me ESP -- Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you're cold?!
22. My mama taught me HUMOR -- When you cut off your toe with the lawnmower,
don't come running to me!
23. My mama taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -- If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up!
24. My mama taught me about GENETICS -- You're just like your father!
25. My mama taught me about my ROOTS -- Do you think you were born in a
barn?!
26. My mama taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE -- When you get to be my age,
you'll understand!
27. And the all time favorite lesson my mother taught
me was JUSTICE -- One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like
you!