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Humor #75

Thanks to Wayne Lammers

Subject: South Dakota Women 
Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man  was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from South Dakota.  They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their  wives. 

The guy from Michigan began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking.  Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I  saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table  was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."  

Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her,  that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But  on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in  the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from South Dakota was married to an enlightened woman from  the plains. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she  would have to do all the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day still saw nothing.  But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left  eye...............!"

Ø      Moral of story: DON`T MESS WITH THE WOMEN FROM SOUTH DAKOTA!!

Subject: FW: Deep Thoughts 
If you have nothing else to do these are kinda cute:  Last night I played a blank tape at full blast; the mime next door went nuts.  If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?  Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.  I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.  I  said, 'The whole time.'   So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of  the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?  I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

 Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?  Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?  Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?  If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?  Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?  How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?  If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold  tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't  they  be called builts?  Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?  Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

 If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?  What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other  trees make fun of it?  Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!  Do fish get cramps after eating?  Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'? Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?  Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open,  it's  not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.  How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked  when someone threw a gun at him?

 Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?  Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?  Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'?

 What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and  apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?  Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?  Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just  SEEM  longer?

 I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' - she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?  Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Ø      PONDERABLES?
 How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.
 What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?  Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?   A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?   Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?  Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?  A pool table.
 What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
 What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
 What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal  thermometer? The taste.
 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
 Where do you find a no legged dog?  Right where you left him.
 Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
 Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
 Why do gorillas have big nostrils?  Because they have big fingers.

Dog Pet Peeves 

   1.When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.  
   2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.  
   3. Yelling at me for barking... I am a dog you moron, what am I supposed to do? 
   4.How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that
       your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?) 
   5.Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose damn walk is this anyway? 
   6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it. 
   7.Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.  Why'd you buy carpet? 
   8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.   Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake
        thing yet. 
   9  .How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 
   10. Dog sweaters. Helloooo... Have you noticed my fur? 
   11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not
         home. 
   12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?    13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go
          back there. 
   14.The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!   What a proud moment for the top of the food
         chain.