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Humor #73

Thanks to Ken Hayden

The RAT RACE explained
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how  long it took him to catch them.   "Not very long," answered the Mexican.   "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked  the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch  was sufficient to  meet  his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with  the rest of your  time?"  "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,  and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I  have a full  life." The American exclaimed, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.  Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can  negotiate directly  with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your enterprises."  "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.  "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied  the American.  "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"  "Millions? Really? And after that?" "And after that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with  your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking  and enjoying your friends!"

  Thanks to Margaret Cott

2002 DARWIN AWARDS Are Here
Yes, the ones we've all been waiting for: The Darwin Award 2002. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been very keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:
1. In September, in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing          head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.   

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat  inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath five feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.

 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least ten men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."  

FAMILY    
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind  the story?  

 Do you know what the word FAMILY means?  FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Thanks to Ken Hayden

 Subject: Easter
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:  "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"  The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.  Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It  read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?"  "Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. " "By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.

Thanks to Margaret Cott

NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN - SIGN-UP NOW CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.  STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.  TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.  TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? GROUP PRACTICE.  TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.  TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.  TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS. TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. OPEN FORUM.  TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.  TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.  TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. DRIVING SIMULATION.  TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.  TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION RELAXATION. EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.  TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED. **UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE FEW SURVIVORS.