THE CLASS OF 2005

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. There has been only one Pope in their lifetime. They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more: They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. Roller skating has always meant inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!" They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands... There has always been MTV.

A Two Year Marriage Degree...
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage -under the assumption that men should be trained for marriage... A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Marriage that many of you should be interested in. That's right, in just six semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Spring Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Summer Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 3 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Fall Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Spring Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down(Elective)

(See Electives Below)
Summer Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Fall Schedule:
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
Read all the way to the bottom! If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis! They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy....... I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. To all of you.... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those Who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who Have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING)
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to raise a 42 pound boy wearing
    Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to Spread paint on
    all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have
    to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the
    movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful...

True story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer? "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Deep Thoughts if you have nothing else to do these are kinda cute Deep thoughts
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.' So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place;the people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'? Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

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