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Humor #71
Thanks to Denise Stone
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder
than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I
found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud
storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep
with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't
sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in
the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come
into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other
folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex,
then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could
figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Communication?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr.
old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be
still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my
footsteps!' Then
the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
At the beginning of a
children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As
the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the
girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost
directly into the pastor's clip-on mic, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch
to iron."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie." With no hesitation, she says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs
too."
2001
THE DARWIN AWARDS
It's
that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are
given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.
5th
RUNNER-UP
Goes
to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam
pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley
and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
towers,
said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police department. The pads are used
to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower
he
hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th
RUNNER-UP
Goes
to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When
the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into
his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front
of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it
had choked him
to
death.
3rd
RUNNER-UP
Goes
to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd
RUNNER-UP
"Man
loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party probably related
to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22
bullet
to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl.
M.D.
Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and
was
trying to explode it." It wouldn't go off and this guy said `I'll show you
how to set it off.’" He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all
his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that," Payne said.
1st
RUNNER-UP
Doctors
at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a
hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a
men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous
(probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's
right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a
major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died. Neurosurgeon
Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his
skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said
that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine
County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
Now
THIS YEAR'S WINNER
(The
late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great
state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence
and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck
over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was
100-pounds
heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other
side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through
a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm,
he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would
break his fall; he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly
bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters
worse, on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh. Mr.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw
him
a rope and attempted to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the
truck into reverse, drove through the fence, over the cliff and landed on his
friend, killing him. Police arrived to
find
the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at
the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet
in the air.
Congratulations
gentlemen, you win...
IDIOTS
IN SERVICE
This
week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7 PM. When I asked if they
could give me a smaller time window. The pleasant gentleman asked, "Would
you like us to call you before we come?"
I
replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones
weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does
YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS
AT WORK
I
was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was
signed.
When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As
luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I
live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new Neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't
want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS
IN FOOD SERVICE
My
daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was asked if I wanted the food to
go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat it here? I said, can I eat it on
the roof? duh
IDIOT
SIGHTING #1
I
was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT
SIGHTING #2
The
stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,
she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT
SIGHTING #3
At
a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
company
due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun.
We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked
at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT
SIGHTING #4
I
work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the
life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT
SIGHTING #5
When
my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found
a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger side, I
instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I
know - I already got that side."
NOW
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
Three
little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play
with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go
to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was
there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and
play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure,"
said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their
heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and
play."
When
they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you
think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they
pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The
littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do
you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians."