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Humor #69

Thanks to Ken Hayden
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the

Middle East formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year, $120 billion state university study: diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss--this study is the most useful in the past 35 years--educators say they need more money for additional research.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper--surveillance photos prove otherwise--Chelsea's (brother/sister?) is due soon--Hilary says, "Oh, well, Bill has done it again."

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million--reportedly purchased by Albert Gore.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows; WAIT, it crashes nine times out of ten BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

God decrees that his Ten Commandments be posted in all schools; World Supreme Court and ACLU not expected to fight the case.

Thanks to Dave Lankford
Classroom Control
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself with some of the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he continued to work at his desk, a strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up, took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.