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Humor #68

Thanks to Ken Hayden
Church Humor
These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proof-reading would've  prevented. Read and have a good laugh

  The church is starting a New Young Mother's Group. Anyone desiring to be a new young Mother is to meet with the pastor in his office.
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Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill "Christ the King".
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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
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Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
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 The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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The sermon this morning:" Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests apes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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 The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.
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Don't let worry kill! you - let the Church help.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.  _______________________

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.
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 The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
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Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. ...prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off old clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM, Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."