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Humor #66
Thanks
to Ken Hayden
Midlife
Mid-life
is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us
plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see
your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only
time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those
will, too!"
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves
and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager
and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can
still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally...more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the
"big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice
ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is
important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our
loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the
knowledge
that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have
to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired ...that's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
Go
Git Yo Momma!
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall
for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while
the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While
the boy and his father were
watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the
walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."