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Humor #65
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike
their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." One puzzled
student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know,
and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class
into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether
"computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were
required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The
men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computer"), because:
1.
No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else
3.
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later
retrieval
4.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le
computer"), because:
1.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2.
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
3.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem
4
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model.
The Women Won
Dr.
Seuss on the Former President Clinton Scandal.
Mr. Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
And were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr.
Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join-even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Mr.
Starr:
Did you smile? Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
Did you hug and did you kiss
This young Lewinsky miss?
Did you go and make a mess?
Did you soil her brand new dress?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
Mr.
Clinton:
That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
This bad dream I want to bury,
I will tell the Grand Jury!
I will tell them what we did,
I will tell them where we hid.
I will tell them everything,
Of this hot and torrid fling!
Mr.
Starr:
So you did it, you admit!
You bared your johnson to that twit.
We have the dress, we have a case
The Oval Office was the place.
Though she promised not to slip
She blabbed it all to Linda Tripp.
For your crimes of deceit,
They'll start the process to impeach.
Mr.
Clinton:
From my country, I beg of thee,
Give me trust and sympathy.
There was a moment I was weak,
Some satisfaction I did seek.
How was I to run this nation,
While Hillary took vacation.
Monica was there for me,
She's not a model, I agree.
Mr.
Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
Beg and grovel all you choose
But in the end you will lose.
For Monica I do not care,
What comes of her and that hair.
But in hist'ry I'll go far,
For I am Starr, STAR I ARE!
The
final Stanza:
Mr
Clinton:
Alright Star You Are
You've gone just a little too far
To reporters you smile and wave
But behind closed doors you made that big girl cave
I promise I'll make you go away
I promise it will be any day
And if you don't believe I can
Just ask those people in Sudan
NEW
EMPLOYEE
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00
AM.
The
next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee.
He
says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The
foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the
problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the
line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a
big bag of marbles.
They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,
and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager
starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Did
you know?
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses
every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx
Communications).
A
duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The
only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is:
uncopyrightable.
"Hang
On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
The
Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it
was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books
that would occupy the building.
Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades
- King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds -
Julius Caesar.
111,111,111
x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans
of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them
used to burn their houses down, hence the expression "to get fired."
"I
am," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's
Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's
kissing the conveyor belt.
The
longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The
name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the Army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G. P.
The
highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Only
one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In
Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It
takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of
footballs.
The
world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
When
Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It's
possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
On
average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In
10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear
weapons combined.
Reno,
Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Detroit ,Michigan is North of Windsor
Canada.
Average
age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average
age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.