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Humor #64

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

 Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year, $120 billion state university study: diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss--this study is the most useful in the past 35 years--educators say they need more money for additional research.

 Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper--surveillance photos prove otherwise--Chelsea's (brother/sister?) is due soon--Hilary says, "Oh, well, Bill has done it again."

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million--reportedly purchased by Albert Gore.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows; WAIT, it crashes nine times out of ten BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

God decrees that his Ten Commandments be posted in all schools; World Supreme Court and ACLU not expected to fight the case.

Revealed: how lint gets into the navel

By GARRY BARKER, TECHNOLOGY EDITOR, Monday 10 December 2001
America may lead the world in IT and Germany show the way in heavy engineering, but when it comes to the careful, scientific study of belly-button lint, Australia is on its own.

Our scientists have discovered that lint mostly moves up from the underwear rather than down from the upper body and believe that a pierced navel will not collect fluff.

This, they suggest, may be because pierced navels tend to be exposed.

Just as navels are as individual as fingerprints, so do they vary in the way they collect lint, says Sydney University physicist Karl Kruszelnicki.

His survey was not conclusive, but its findings included the fact that hairy overweight men produce more belly button fluff than slim, hairless women. This suggests that belly hairs, working like little arms on a conveyor, move fibres of fabric broken away from clothing up the curve of the belly and into the navel.