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Humor #63
Thanks
to Dave Lankford
HOW
TO STAY YOUNG (AND CONTENT)
1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height.
2.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a
grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need.
3.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just
never let the brain idle.
4.
Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can
afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When they are
grown, and you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!
5.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that
you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
6.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our
entire life, is ourselves.
7.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8.
Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but
not guilt.
10.
Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Be ready to go just in case you are called home.
Thanks to Ken Hayden
WISDOM
FROM SENIOR CITIZENS
I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
When
did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny,
I don't remember being absent minded.
All
reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If
all is not lost, where is it?
It
is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If
at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
The
first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
I
tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
I
went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It
was so different before everything changed.
Some
days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be.
I
wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
Kids
in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's
not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's
hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living
on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
The
only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If
God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
Never
knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (He hates that.)
Lead
me not into temptation (I can find the way myself)
When
you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
If
you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
There
are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick & the dead.
An
unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A
closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health
is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's
not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
Jury:
Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Assertive
Husband!
A
husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to
let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."
Of
course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door,
shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking
orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.
Tonight,
I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong.
And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and
then tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," says his wife calmly.
"The undertaker."
“I’D
LOVE TO BE SIX AGAIN”
A
man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six
again," she replied.
On
the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to
a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear-everything there was!
Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went where her husband ordered a
Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola
and M & Ms.
What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked. "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?"
One
eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The
moral of this story: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will
get it wrong anyway.
THE
PRICE OF BRAINS!
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,” he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of
time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor
quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The
moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?" The
doctor smiled at the childish innocence, and so to the entire group said,
"It is just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been used."
AAADD
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age-Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.
This
is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the
table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...
But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk,
discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full.
OK,
I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm
going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now
where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left. My extra checks are
in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...I'm going to look for those
checks...
But
first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it
into the fridge to keep it cold for a while... I head towards the kitchen and my
flowers catch my eye, they need some water... I set the coke on the counter and
uh oh!
Someone
left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen
tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family
room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I
throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall
trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??!!
Heavenly
Orientation
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They
are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends
and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
you?"
The
first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was
one of the greatest doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The
second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The
last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say......
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"