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Humor #62

SUBJECT: WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR AT MY FUNERAL!
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"  

Thanks to Ken Hayden
SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20, 30 or 40 years of your life, is cause for a panic and you turn around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phones calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting  your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.=:)

24. YOU'RE READING THIS!!!!!!!

BARBIE
Finally, a Barbie I can relate to.  At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie.     Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames  in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions   of  Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.            

2. Hot Flash Barbie.      Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face  turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie.  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow.   Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie.     Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns.   Good news on the tummy front,  two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie.    Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.     Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines  with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie.     All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.    Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie.      It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.     Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie.     Sells for$ 199.99.   Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie.     Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.    Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.   Clean and  sober, she's going to meetings religiously.   Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie.     This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot.     She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.     Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.