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Humor #61
KIDS!
Ever
notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared
by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to
sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please
don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up
in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone
had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with
hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if
they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
An
acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4
yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my
footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A
certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Thanks
to Nick Clark
Idiot Stories Newsletter
"Idiots make us feel better about ourselves."
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
WHAT
WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
ARE
WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and the
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is
her husband!"
NOT
THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to
perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong.
A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size
and pitch.
So,
one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW
REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Thanks
to Tina Sippeley
Subject: Osama
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
Thanks to David Lankford
Subject: Medical Insurance
A
man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for heart surgery. The operation
went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr.
Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.
"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"
"No,
I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can
you pay in cash?"
"I'm
afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do
you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just
my sister in New Mexico," replied the man, "but
"Nuns
are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to
God."
"Okay,"
the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Thanks
to David Lankford
Subject: God Answers all Prayers!
Jake,
the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.
As
he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.
When
he finally reached his pickup truck, he felt a heavy heart,
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So
Jake did what most of us would do, if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.
As
he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now
Jake had been around in life and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked - it looked just like Wyomin'.
Of
all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
Now, this line, it ain't needed, but it helps with rhyme and meter.
So
they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three,
Nobody was keepin' score - in Heaven time is free.
"I've
always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayers,
But one time when I asked for help, well, He just plain wasn't there.
Does
God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square - I know all men are brothers.
Or
does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now
I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell - what the heck's the deal?"
Peter
listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That
day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A
thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.
And
though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota.