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Humor #60
Thanks
to Sarah Schneider
Subject: Yankees Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees' fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
When you have an "I hate
my job" day try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be
very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your
bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or
broken.
Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
AN ATHEIST
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Thanks to Anne-Marie Zarrelli
IF............
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! It's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sandra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Matthews, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghalli G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu, the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
Bored enough yet?
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
Cubs Baseball and Jack Daniels
Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Cubs baseball game.
They smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game.
The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking
Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks.
Soon
they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a
lot of innings to go.
Using
the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the
game?
Think!
Think some more!!
Answer: It's the bottom of the
fifth and the bags are loaded.