Humor #57

An important message from Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of America, namely only the north. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us: 

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.'

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little chew though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.'

5. 'Ho, ho, ho!' has been replaced by 'Yee Haw!' And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, 'I her'd dat!'

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is the Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see 'Boss Hogg Saves Christmas' and 'Smokey and the Bandit IX' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.' This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,' and 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.' 

Sincerely,

Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now that I'm 'older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

NINETEEN- UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT AND DOUBT
IF YOU CAN EITHER.