Humor #56

THE NEXT SURVIVOR

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Six men will be dropped on an island with one van and four kids each, for six weeks Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six  toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance The winner gets to go back to his job

WORLD NEWS:
BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia.  The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv nd Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said.  "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.  The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.  Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.  "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said.  "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else.  Mr.  Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."  Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries.  This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia.  Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush said.  "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels.  For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words.  "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said.  "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence.  Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "Please, where is the washroom?"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984.  During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao withnvital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.  The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

*From Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh Archives http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Dr. Seuss poem that perfectly expresses the feeling about the passage of time.

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?

What's In A Name?

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell  Computers:  New company will be called:  Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:  New company will be called  Poly-Warner-Cracker

M. R. Grace Co... Fuller Brush Co... Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called ------Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear:            MmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:             Deere Abi

Honeywell...  Imasco...  & Home Oil:      Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines...  Alliance...  & Metal Mining:    Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:        3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:       Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:     Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:     Zip Audi Do-Da  

From: Nick Clark

Subject: Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change Instructions For Women
Step 1: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since   the last oil change.
Step 2: Drink a cup of coffee.
Step 3: 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $ 1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men
Step 1: Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
Step 2: Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Step 3: Open a beer; drink it.
Step 4: Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Step 5: Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
Step 6: In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Step 7: Place drain pan under engine.
Step 8: Look for 916 box end wrench.
Step 9: Give up looking after 15 minutes and use crescent wrench.
Step 10: Unscrew drain plug.
Step 11: Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; burn hand in hot oil, get it all over your clothes in process.
Step 12: Clean up mess.
Step 13: Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Step 14: Look for oil filter wrench.
Step 15: Give up looking after 10 minutes, poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Step 16: Beer.
Step 17: Buddy shows up to lend technical support, helps finish case of beer; unanimous committee decision to finish oil change tomorrow.
Step 18: Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Step 19: Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11 & 18.
Step 20: Beer. No, wait a minute-drank it all yesterday.
Step 21: Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Step 22: Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Step 23: Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Step 24: Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
Step 25: Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Step 26: Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. Step 27: Drink beer.
Step 28: Uncover hole and sift through muck for drain plug.
Step 29: Mutter under breath about first quart of fresh oil, now on the floor.
Step 30: Drink beer.
Step 31: Slip with crescent wrench while tightening drain plug, bang knuckles on frame.
Step 32: Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
Step 33: Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
Step 34: Throw wrench.
Step 35: Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to thrown wrench damaging Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
Step 36: Beer me.
Step 37: Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Step 38: Beer.
Step 39: Another beer.
Step 40: Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Step 41: Beer.
Step 42: Lower car from jack stands.
Step 43: Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Step 44: Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Step 45: Beer.
Step 46: Test drive car.
Step 47: Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
Step 48: Car gets impounded.
Step 49: Make bail; retrieve car from impound yard.
Money spent:: $50.00 parts: $27.50 beer: $75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey: the colors have to match!!!!): $1,000.00 Bail: $200.00 Impound and towing fee---: $2,379.50 Fines and court costs: Total = $3,732.00

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