Humor #55
Sung to the tune of the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES theme song:
Come
and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well,
the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The
next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty
years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come
November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before
the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote, now. Ya hear?
BRICKLAYER
ACCIDENT REPORT
Read
it slowly...
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of
the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
This
is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
Dear
Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
I
am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the
roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some
bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess
of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note
in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise
at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and
forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up
the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley.
Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid
of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer
you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a Rapid descent, down the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here
my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow
me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as
I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
Thanks
to Denise Stone
Subject: Lost Chapter of Genesis
So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said: "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied: "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
From
The Catholic Missourian (June 8, 2001)
STILL AT MY SIDE
Old Levi lay dying, slipping in and out of consciousness. In a semi-lucid moment, he turned to his wife: "Sara, remember when we met and fell in love back in Russia? All the dreams that we had? But when the Bolsheviks took power and we had to flee, leaving behind all our family, all of our hopes? But there you were, Sara, at my side."
He drifted out a while and then turned to her again. "Remember the new life we built on Germany, the kids, the little business? But then the Nazis came, and we had to once again run for our lives, abandoning everything. But there you were, Sara, at my side."
There was silence as he sank into darkness, but memory brought him back. "Sara, remember how we came to America, determined to start again? And we did. We built a house. The children were in college. But then the fire destroyed everything we had, everything we had worked for. But there you were, Sara, at my side.
Fighting back the tears, he whispered weakly: Now I am on my deathbed, Sra, with only hours to life. Such a hard life should not have to end with this suffering, but it does. And here you are Sara, at my side."
With what strength remained, he raised his head. Through the twilight in his eyes, he looked deep into hers and said, "Sara, you are a doggoned jinx!"