Humor #53
Rednecks
from Nick Clark
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they
should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went to see a professor who
told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
Weedeater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck"Then, I can assume, using logic, that you have
a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also have a house."
"Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"
said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. "That's the most fascinatin'
thing I ever heard... I can't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked.
"Math, history, and logic," replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?
"No," his friend replied.
"You're homosexual, ain't ya?"
From Cindy Thomas
True story: I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen
nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I
can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook
my head and ordered six McNuggets.
---
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it
out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using
the ATM "thingy".
---
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocked. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm,
I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk.
---
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him. With that, the
intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and
proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
---
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went
in the back to make a sandwich.
---
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
---
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large
bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
---
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day
would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not
the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
---
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message, "He's lying," was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed!