Humor #52
Thanks to Tom White...
Things that make you say "Hmmmm..."
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
Loren Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Loren Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10 from the town.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Nondairy creamer is flammable.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the US flag.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A," but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of
all the books that would occupy the building. Same thing with the library at the
University of Massachusetts.
Windows 98 recall
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Arkansas edition >of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Arkansas. If you have one of the Arkansas editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Arkansas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Leesuper-imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called "This Infernal Contraption", Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys", Control Panel is known as the "Dern Dashboard", Hard Drive is referred to as "4 wheel drive', and floppies are "them little ole plastic disc thangs".
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.