Humor #50
Things that make you go HMMMMMM
1. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
4. Is it OK to use the a.m. radio after noon?
5. What do chickens think we taste like?
6. What do people in China call their good plates?
7. What do you call a male ladybug?
8. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
9. When dog food is new and improves tasting, who tests it?
10. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
11. Why do they sterilize the needle before lethal injections?
12. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
13. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
14. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
15. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
16. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
17. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
18. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
19. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
20. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
21. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
22. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
23. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
24. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime what does a freedom fighter fight?
25. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
26. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
27. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
28. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up ATM's?
29. Why is that when you transport something by car it's called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
30. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
31. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
32. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
33. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
34. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Men and Women
Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.
How do men define a
"50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat
We clean-they dirty
We iron-they wrinkle
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE.......He just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot & an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says........."
Why do female Black Widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop & ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born? To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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Mom's Dictionary
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc
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SOME STEVEN WRIGHT THOUGHTS
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station......
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the Mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out Okay.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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Before Coolidge left the White House, his Vermont neighbors decided to recognize his devotion to the old farm by giving him a hand-made rake.
They made the presentation an elaborate ceremonial. The orator who presented the rake dwelt on the qualities of the hickory wood from which he said it was made.
"Hickory," he said, "like the President, is sturdy, strong, resilient, unbroken." And so on and on and on. Then he handed the rake to Mr. Coolidge, and the audience settled back for the speech of acknowledgment.
The President turned the implement over, scrutinized it carefully, and then made his address in a single word.
"Ash," he said.
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It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.--George Bernard Shaw
"Positive"--mistaken at the top of one's voice.--Ambrose Bierce
It is hard to believe a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.--H.L. Mencken
The trouble with being pleasant is people think you're a hypocrite.--Franklin P. Jones
Led by an old Indian, tourists were visiting the ruins of an Indian temple. To reach the ancient shrine they had to leave their cars at a distance. Suddenly one woman exclaimed: "Oh, I forgot to lock my car." "Don't worry," said the Indian guide. "There isn't a white man within 50 miles of here."
If you want to speed a package through the mails, try stamping it "Fresh Fish."--Lane Olinghouse
I envy the beasts two things--their ignorance of evil to come, and their ignorance of what is said about them.--Voltaire
Retiring is such a dull step. If you're planning to retire you ought to shut up about it.--Katharine Hepburn
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
W. Somerset Maugham (reported by his secretary) on his ninety-first birthday: "Oh, hell, another birthday."
"Mummy, may I go in for a swim?" the child asked his mother. "Certainly not, my dear; it's far too deep," the mother responded. "But Daddy is swimming," the son said, "Yes," the mother answered, "but he's insured."
A little boy needing a minor operation was taken the hospital. His ward had an intercom system by which the floor nurse could talk to her patients. That night, however, her efforts to reach the boy were in vain. "Timmy," she said into the intercom, "I know you're there. Why don't you answer me?" There was a long pause. Then a small, quavering voice asked, "What do you want, Wall?"
There is no worse robber than a bad book. --Italian proverb
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.--Mark Twain
A man went into a lumberyard and said he wanted a 2 x 4. The salesman asked him "How long do want it?" The man said, "Just a minute, I'll go ask my friend." He came back and said, "My friend says we want it for a long time."
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An elderly woman was waiting for a parking space in a Palm Beach shopping center. The occupant pulled out and from seemingly nowhere a young kid zipped into the empty space with his Corvette. The lady said, "You saw me waiting for that space!"
The young man chuckled and said, "Well, that's what you can do when you're young and fast."
He started to walk away and the woman began to dent his sports car with her cane. "What are you doing?" he screamed. The lady replied, "This is what you can do when you're old and rich!"
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Bumper Stickers
Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." - Joseph Stalin
Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
Jews for Buchanan
What popular vote? I voted - Didn't matter
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant?
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Banana Republicans
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
Campaign spending $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election, Priceless.