Humor #49
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to
worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5
hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More
shoveling. Took all day; freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to
shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed
up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the
front of the house this morning. What is she... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that
a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through
the snow by his cojones. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil. G-d I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch It's a Wonderful Life one more
time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really
getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to below zero and the pipes froze.
December 28
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. My wife is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his
head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to
the bed?
Noah in the Year 2000
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
WE THINK WE KNOW EVERYTHING...
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW WE KNOW EVERYTHING!!!