Humor #48
Wise Crack
In a recent Sunday strip, Wally's co-workers held him down while Catbert branded him with a hot iron. An eighth of an inch of Wally's butt crack was visible in the original drawing. I was informed that readers would complain that Wally's butt crack was destroying the moral fiber of the planet, so we removed the butt crack line from the print version and included it in the web version. This allows us to test the idea that exposure to cartoon butt cracks is bad for children. In theory, the kids who see the unedited web version will grow up to be serial killers, marketing professionals and auditors. They might even have butt cracks of their own, possibly using mirrors to ogle them. Or they might become butt crack addicts. Adult magazines might be printed that feature nothing but one-eighth inch black lines.
The possibilities are frightening.
True Tales of Induhviduals
Those In-duh-viduals continue to amaze and amuse us. Here now, some more true tales as reported by DNRC operatives in the field.
True Tale 1
My boss handed me ten pages of data and asked me to scan them, use optical character recognition (OCR) to get them into our spreadsheet software and rearrange the columns to meet his needs.
After several hours spent scanning and fixing OCR errors, I learned that the spreadsheets had originally been e-mailed to my boss as an attachment. It seems that my boss didn't remember how to rearrange columns using spreadsheet software so he figured it would beeasiest to print the file and have me do it instead.
True Tale 2
During my recent attempt to get a pay raise, part of the conversation went like this:
Me: "I have many more responsibilities than I did when I was first hired, so you should pay me more."
Pointy-Haired Boss: "No, because if you weren't here, we'd just do without the extra functions that you're performing, so why should we pay you to do them?"
True Tale 3
I'm the webmaster at my company. I asked the PR director to give me the most up-to-date list of our business locations so I could update the web. She downloaded my web pages and gave them to me.
True Tale 4
I was having trouble getting my boss to read my e-mail. Upon investigation he told me he got too many messages and couldn't read them all. I investigated further and discovered that he was using the alphabetical sort feature in Outlook, and since my name started with a "P" he never got down to my e-mails.
True Tale 5
The following is the real reason dot-coms are burning money. Our product development team was meeting with the VP for product development to unveil our product. It was fully functional to the point of beta-testing. At the conclusion of our presentation, the VP responded that this was great, since he had been in discussions with an external IT firm about outsourcing the development. "Maybe we'll be able to get them to do it cheaper if they know we already have a working product."
True Tale 6
A friend told me that his supervisor permitted the receptionist to make up lost time on a Saturday, when they are closed.
True Tale 7
This is the real signature line of every mail one of my bosses sends: (Company name) ... Shiting ideas to solutions. I think he meant shiFting.
True Tale 8
My high school French teacher isn't the sharpest crayon in the box. She was playing a French song off the Internet, and the class wanted to know who the band was. She looked at the computer for a minute, walked to the chalkboard and promptly wrote: MP3.
True Tale 9
Sometimes, Induhvidualism can work out for the best. I work at a movie theatre chain that has been sold to another movie theatre chain. Technically, everyone in my company is being laid off. Per company policy, all employees will be receiving severance pay before going back to the *exact same* jobs they had before the switch.
True Tale 10
An example from our bright travel department: "Regarding your travel request for Nashville. You are looking at a Southwest flight at 1740. Would this be a.m. or p.m.?"
True Tale 11
One day on the way to work my wife and I passed by a park and saw an Induhvidual cleaning up trash in the park using one of those "garbage harpoons" and a bucket. We watched her walk along, picking up garbage and smoking her cigarette as she went. Just as I started to say how dedicated she must be for not even stopping her work for a smoke break, she took the cigarette butt from her mouth and flicked it on the ground and continued cleaning, leaving the cigarette butt smoldering on the ground behind her.
True Tale 12
Here is a wonderful and true story about how the bureaucratic mind works. I live in California, and the large building I work in is cooled by drawing in outside air during the months of June and May. (This saves lots of money because the huge air conditioner remains off.) But one June day it was unseasonably hot, so I called the maintenance department to come and turn on the large roof-mounted air conditioner. The following conversation is a jewel.
ME: It is very hot and uncomfortable in this building. Will youplease turn on the air conditioning?
HER: Uh, we always leave the air-conditioning off during this month.
ME: Yes, I know. But it is hot outside, and worse inside.
HER: I am sorry, but this is just part of our yearly program. We don't use air conditioning in June.
ME: But it is getting unbearable in here.
The above exchange was repeated several times, and finally, with some irritation in her voice, she delivered the following, and hung up.
HER: Sir, I am sorry you are uncomfortable over there, but we only control the air-conditioning; we have no control over the weather!
True Tale 13
An angry Induhvidual recently accused me of "cheating" at our various work meetings. I asked how. The Induhvidual replied that, "You always prepare for our meetings and that gives you an unfair advantage."
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"