Humor #46
Special thanks to Sherry Nelson and Margaret Cott.
An Examination
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."
You know that you've joined a redneck
HMO if:
* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
* Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer
park"
* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter
* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy
* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month
* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"
* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill
* The only 100% covered expense is embalming
And the best one:
*Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick
and some duct tap
Doggone it..
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted: "You Americans are so rude." she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down."
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road; you hold our fork with the wrong hand; and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO
LEARN
by DAVE BARRY
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dogbert
Many of you have expressed surprise and outrage that Dogbert was not in the presidential debates. That's what you think. What you don't realize is that Al Gore is actually a robot, remotely controlled by Dogbert. The real Al Gore was abducted months ago and is being held in a safe place. The strange thing is that the real Al Gore is a robot too.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
This newsletter is a bit late because this year I took my first vacation ever. It was a cruise to Alaska. I will summarize it here so you don't need to go.Alaska is a large cold place with approximately six residents who would inbreed if they found each other more attractive. There was scenery. Alaska has bald eagles, which are very rare because of Rogaine(tm).
From the cruise ship you can see bears on the shore. Bears are about the size of a pencil eraser, at least the ones I saw. They might look bigger up close.If you wondered where all the senior citizens went, they were on my cruise ship. That was fine with me; when I'm in bear country I like to be surrounded by people who can't outrun me. And it was fun to see the bald eagles swooping down to our deck and carrying off the elderly with their majestic talons. (Why those elderly people had majestic talons I'll never know.)
The ship had a gym in the bow, with large windows. When I used the exercise bike I pretended that the ship was being powered by my pedaling. I almost passed out trying to ram a tugboat. They are faster than they look.
The cruise ship had something they call a gambling casino. It wasn't the kind where you sometimes get back a small portion of your money. But that was okay with me because when you're in the middle of the ocean, and you're not the designated sailor, shoving money into a small hole in a colorful blinking box can be loads of fun.
There was food.
If I left anything out, drop by the house and I'll show you the pictures