Humor #44
Only in AmericaOnly in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
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Notre Dame Bellringer
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?''
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." (but wait, there's more...)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
[Wait for it...]
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
EXCELLENCE
"Striving for excellence, like a moth beating itself to death on the side of a light bulb."
Just some thoughts about life, love and...
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue- wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well,I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician.
His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he Slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion." I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.
I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'.
Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited.
Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift from God. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. I don't have to make up silly stories about people being hit by buses or crushed by falling disco balls for not sending this letter on. You've seen the result of this neglect in your own relationships that you have allowed to fade, dissolve, and fall into disrepair. Take this opportunity to set a new trend. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them. It's even better if they're not the people you already correspond with every week. The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have. And the better you'll get and reaching out to those you care about.
Here's the deal: Forward this letter to at least 10 different people; within 1 hour of receiving it. Do it, and reap what you sow: luck in love, people who care for you, and that warm glowy feeling that comes from loving others. Don't do it, and suffer the consequences of being alone, wrapped up in your own affairs, and being too busy to do the things you actually care about. May love litter your life with blessings! JUST SEND IT!!
You've got to dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt." People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to old hands because they know the other hand will always be there."
Unknown
PIGLET AND POOH
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
'Pooh!' he whispered.'Yes, Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'
I will not drag you along; I will not leave you alone; I will stand by you and have my hand there for you to hold when you need to.
Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me...and be my friend.
Have you ever seen Hamsters Dance? Takes a while to download… http://www.hamsterdanc
Think about this...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected president in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both wives lost children while living in the White House
Both presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by southerners
Both were succeeded by southerners
Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by three names
Both names contain fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was caught in a theater
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials
And last but not least...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
FRIENDS
1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
8. In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
Pass on to those friends of the past, and those of the future...and those you have met along the way...
Thank you for being a friend. No matter where we go or who we become, never forget who helped us get there. There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them. You know who you are, pass it on to someone who you want to remind. So send this to all your friends and maybe those who aren't but just watch and see who sends it back.
If you love someone, tell them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets. Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs. The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever.
Within 1 hour you must send it to other people. Within five days you will have a miraculous occurrence in your relationships. You will find new love or have an old love rekindled. If you do not send it, you will have once again passed up the opportunity to do something loving and beautiful and continue the trend that gives you problems in your relationships. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't or that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?
And the better you'll get at reaching out to those you care about. Here's the deal: Forward this letter to at least 10 different people; within 1 hour of receiving it. People who care for you and that warm glowy feeling that comes from loving others.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY. PLEASE SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AND THOSE THAT YOU LOVE. AT COLLEGE, YOU WILL TRULY MEET THE FRIENDS THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME AND WILL MEAN THE MOST TO YOU. YOUR FRIENDS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. KEEP YOUR FRIENDSHIPS ALIVE, SEND THIS TO A FRIEND.
Why aren't you married yet?
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancé is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available,you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on them floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have eve heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Subject: WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER?
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER? (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
NORM PETERSON QUOTES
If you ever wished you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers," here you go.
SAM: "What's shaking Norm?" NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
SAM: "What's new Normie?" NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
SAM: "What'd you like Normie?" NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
SAM: "What'll you have Normie?" NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm." NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."
SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."
WOODY: "What's the story Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
SAM: "Beer, Norm?" NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?" NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "Poor." WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that." NORM: "No, I mean pour."
SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?" NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
SAM: "What's going down, Normie?" NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
SAM: "What's the story Norm?" NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
WOODY: "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?" WOODY: "For a beer?" NORM: "No, for stupid questions."
Sources: Jeff Lueck, Sarah Schneider, Nick Clark, Mary Alice Holmes, and Jen Pauley
