Humor #43
1998 COLLEGE FRESHMENMichael Jackson has always been white.
- The people who started college this year were born in 1980.
- They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not know he had ever been shot.
- They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
- Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
- There has only been one Pope.
- They can only really remember one president.
- They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
- They have never feared a nuclear war.
- "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
- CCCP is just a bunch of letters.
- They have only known one Germany.
- They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up.
- Tienamin Square means nothing to them.
- They do not know who Muammar Qadafi is.
- Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
- They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what it is.
- Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
- They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
- Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
- The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
- They have never owned a record Player.
- They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
- Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic.
- There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
- They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
- The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
- As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
- Zip codes have always had a dash in them.
- They have always had an answering machine.
- Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
- They have always had cable.
- There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
- They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
- They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.
- Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
- They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, Jack-in-the-Box, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.
- The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno.
- They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
- Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
- They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, Baltimore Colts, Minnesota North Stars, Kansas City Kings, New Orleans Jazz, Minneapolis Lakers, Atlanta Flames, Kansas City Scouts, Cleveland Barons, California Golden Seals, or Colorado Rockies (NHL hockey, that is).
- They do not consider the Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays, Colorado Rockies (MLB baseball), Florida Marlins, Orlando Magic, Miami Heat,Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks, or Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams."
- They don't know that Wayne Gretzky started in the WHA. WHA? ABA?
- They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
- The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
- They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
- They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
- They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".
- They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.
- The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost.
They cannot remember the St. Louis Cardinals or Detroit Tigers ever winning a World Series, or even being in one. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things are in college this year, and get to vote knowledgeably about your future.
Bill Gates and General Motors You might get a tickle out of this little bit of news from the recent Comdex Computer trade show. Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating --- (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or = "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Here is a typical example of how good public transport systems are in my country called SOUTH AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A day in the life of a taxi driver....
Togetherness Tshabalala jinks his High Impact African Culling Equipment (Hi-Ace for short), with BMW hub caps through the rush-hour traffic, occasionally using the pavement to increase productivity.
Togetherness is a confident man with high spirits, as evidenced by the stickers on his rear window "GOD LOVES TAXI DRIVERS" and "AVOID CONSTIPATION - TRAVEL BY TAXI".
On the front of his taxi, between a large dent which, ominously, is in the shape of a large traffic cop, and the holes from a small spray of bullets, is a lurid notice reading: "JUKSKEI PARK EXPRESS INAUGURAL FLIGHT".
Using the word "flight" is Togetherness's own little personal joke.
What we are witnessing is the inaugural leg of what is hopefully to become a daily service between Jukskei Park and Johannesburg - a 25 km journey which takes 10 minutes - less if the pavements are open.
The percussion waves from Togetherness's powerful radio (taken from a BMW Z3) pushes back the early mist. He is playing Boom Shaka's latest low frequency , 120 dB hit (How low can we go). He hoots as he drives.
Togetherness hoots at anything he sees - including trees - as is the custom of his people. On board the taxi are a dozen white people. They do not come whiter than this. They are Omo white. They were not born white. No, their pallor is due to fear and stark terror. Take John Mleka. Never in his life has he done 0 to 100 km/h in six seconds - especially not in heavy traffic.
Dnise Mtha's colour has changed from green-black to a sort of waxen ivory as quickly as the last traffic light had changed to red. (A colour which traditionally prompts taxi drivers to make even more haste.)
Togetherness regularly looks over his shoulder while driving - even for a full minute - asking passengers their destinations.
Elizabeth Mrowno, sitting right at the back, takes the opportunity to say "Randbag centa" even though she works in Johannesbag. Randburg was coming up fast and it suddenly seemed near enough for her.
She worries about how she will make her way to the front - but only fleetingly because the taxi has now reached Randburg and Togetherness has stopped. He has stopped as suddenly as a plane might stop up against a mountain. Now EVERYBODY is at the front in a warm, intimate heap. Elizabeth alights as gracefully as anybody can with one knee locked behind the other. She is vaguely aware of passersby loosening her clothing and shouting "Give her air!"
Togetherness bowls happily along Jan Smuts avenue, overtaking a police BMW which is chasing a getaway car. Then he overtakes the getaway car too, exchanging boisterous greetings with the driver whom he knows.
Togetherness is steering with his elbows because he needs his hands free to check the morning's takings and to wave to girls on the pavement. He announces "Ladies and gentleman , this is your captain. We will shortly be landing in Johannesbag. Please make sure your seatbelts are in the upright position, and your seats are fastened. Thank you for flying with us. We hope to see you soon again."
John Mleka is gripping the seat in front of him so tightly, that he notices his finger tips have gone transparent, as a passing taxi fires a brief burst from an automatic weapon in his direction. Togetherness now reaches the city and merges with the in-bound traffic like his ancestors merged with the British at Isandlwana. He stops at his usual disembarkation point in the middle of an intersection and picks his teeth patiently while people sort out their legs and teeth before groping their way towards a pole around which they can throw their arms. By the time his passengers' eyeballs' have settled back in their parent sockets, Togetherness is already halfway back to Jukskei Park with another load of passengers.
Y-e-e-e-e-e-s !
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!""From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.
January 1, 2000 To: Dear Valued Employee:Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
