Humor #42
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974), famous for such wonderful "Goldwynisms" as:
- "An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
- "I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
- "Gentlemen, include me out."
- "A hospital is no place to be sick."
- "If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
- "I read part of it all the way through."
- "If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
- "Our comedies are not to be laughed at."
- "Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
- And perhaps the best of them all: "I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
Subject: Network and software support
Corporate headquarters has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by January 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Dr. Seuss on the Clinton Scandal..
Mr Starr: I am Starr. Starr I are. I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house? Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties? And were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr. Clinton: I did not do that here or there! I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair! I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join even for fun, The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar, I did not do her Starr you are!
Mr Starr: Did you smile? Did you Flirt? Did you peek beneath her skirt?
Did you hug and did you kiss this young Lewinsky miss?
Did you go and make a mess? Did you soil her brand new dress?
And did you tell the girl to lie, When called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton: That is it, you've gone too far! I do not like you Starr you are!
This bad dream I want to bury, I will tell the Grand Jury!
I will tell them what we did, I will tell them where we hid.
I will tell them everything, Of this hot and torrid fling!
Mr. Starr: So you did it, you admit! You bared your johnson to that twit.
We have the dress, we have a case. The Oval Office was the place.
Though she promised not to slip She blabbed it all to Linda Tripp.
For your crimes of deceit, They'll start the process to impeach.
Mr. Clinton: From my country, I beg of thee, Give me trust and sympathy.
There was a moment I was weak, Some satisfaction I did seek.
How was I to run this nation, While Hillary took vacation.
Monica was there for me, She's not a model, I agree.
Mr. Starr: I am Starr. Starr I are. I'm a brilliant barri-star.
Beg and grovel all you choose. But in the end you will lose.
For Monica I do not care, What comes of her and that hair.
But in hist'ry I'll go far, For I am Starr, STAR I ARE!
The final Stanza:
Mr Clinton: Alright Star You Are You've gone just a little too far
To reporters you smile and wave But behind closed doors you made that big girl cave
I promise I'll make you go away I promise it will be any day
And if you don't believe I can Just ask those people in Sudan
REAL DEFINITIONS
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines...
It is time to reassess your relationship with your computer. How do you rate?
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element = Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Unknown (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Becomes violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst of dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
30 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
1.Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2.Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up,look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3.Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
4.Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5.Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6.Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7.Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8.Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9.Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10.Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11.Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12.Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13.Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14.Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15.Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16.Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17.Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18.Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19.Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20.Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21.Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22.Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23.Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24.Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25.Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26.Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27.Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28.Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29.Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30.Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Did you know...
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx Communications).
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is: uncopyrightable.
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x = 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down,hence the expression "to get fired."
"I am," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the Army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Detroit, Michigan is North of Windsor Canada.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton was standing on the balcony at the White House looking over the snow covered lawn one winter day. When he looked down, he saw that there was a message in the snow tinted yellow that said "Die Bill Clinton, Die". He was quite upset and called the head of White House security and asked "How could you let this happen?? Whoever did this must've stood right here on the balcony and urinated over the edge to write that message. I want a urine sample taken and I want to know who did this right now!"
The head of security returned and told Clinton, "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we've taken a sample and have conclusive evidence of who is guilty in this matter. It's Al Gore."
"Al Gore", cried the president? "I never thought that he was capable of such a thing. But if that is the good news, what is the bad news?"
"Well," said the head of security, "the bad news is that the message was in Hillary's handwriting."
