Humor #41
Courtesy Jeff Lueck
"Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life"
Your stationery has fax number, 2 e-mail addresses, & your Internet address.
You have two or more Internet Service Providers.
You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh or MHz rates.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only know computers with laser printers.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real friends birthday cards.
You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns bread into charcoal.
You use all the Internet terms in conversations without even thinking about it.
You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever!
The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music rarely occurs to you.
In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; the salesperson listens.
You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not your social security number.
You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term "voice number."
You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads fiction novels.
At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.
And finally... You actually understood all the jokes in this message
And the world has come to this --
Frog stories
A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter, and says to the teller, "I want a loan."
The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall and the name on the door says "Patricia Wack."
So, the frog hops off the counter, down the hall, and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."
Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line: "We must have something to secure the loan, some collateral."
At that, the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk, and repeats that he wants a loan.
So, Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes into the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."
The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion, and finally says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Proof That Jesus Was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures
Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
Proof That Jesus Was Italian
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Proof That Jesus Was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion
and finally............................
Proof That Jesus Was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
a thought...
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices." --Edward R. Murrow
Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson....I presume
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked, "In see all those stars, what do you conclude?"
Watson answered, "Astronomically, I conclude that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, I conclude that God is great and we are small. Meteorological, I conclude that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And you, as you lay here and see the open sky, what do you conclude?" Watson asked.
"Watson, you idiot," Holmes replied, "I conclude that someone has stolen our tent."
Have nice day!
The Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Terminology
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da mornin
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below 0
SCREEN: vhat is a must during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during da Vikings game
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Sven Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find 'em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna that holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it
"Cold" is a relative term.
Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
Degrees F
65°
Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night60°
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)50°
Miami residents turn on the heat45°
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts40°
You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming35°
Italian cars don't start32°
Water freezes30
You plan your vacation to Australia25°
Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming20°
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South15°
French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you10°
You need jumper cables to get the car going5 °
American cars don't start0° Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10°
German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink-15°
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist-20°
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start-25°
Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going-30°
You plan a two week hot bath-40°
Californians disappear* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South-50°
Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window-80°
Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game-90°
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
