Humor #40
Courtesy Nick Clark
Y2K
January 1, 2000
To: Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).
As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in
lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check
will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past
1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
THE Y "Zero" K Problem
Message from: Rome
January 18, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a
lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with
working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have
to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier
and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about
it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We
called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using
minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but
unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to
exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero
K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
Plutonius.
SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS
- What occurs more often in December than any other month?
*Conception.
- Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
*Skinny dipping.
- What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
*No theme song.
- Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
*Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
- Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
*Obsession
- More women do this in the bathroom than men.
*Wash their hands. Women - 80% Men - 55%
- What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
*Gain weight.
- In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
*Banana
- If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the
letter "A"?
*One thousand
- What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have
in common?
*All invented by women.
- Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
*Change their underwear.
- This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light
and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
*A kiss
- This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
*Honey
- There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
*Father's Day
- What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
*He was allergic to carrots.
- 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
*Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
- 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
*Wear underwear.
- What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every
episode of "Seinfeld"?
*Superman, either by name or pictures, on Jerry's refrigerator.
- 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
*Cheating on their spouse.
- And, as the old philosopher once said: A little bit of knowledge does not necessarily a
thoughtful person make. Just a person with a little bit of knowledge.
- And, if there was ever evidence for extraterrestrial life, it is that they have not
visited us.
And more thoughts:
"If we don't take care of the customer, ...maybe they'll stop bugging us."
MEDIOCRITY
"It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too
late."
INEPTITUDE
"If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly."
PROCRASTINATION
"Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now."
The Cure for Hope
AGONY
"Not all pain is gain."
FUTILITY
"You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking,
99% of the shots you do."
MISTAKES
"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to
others."
PESSIMISM
"Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each
year who try to find it."
When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough
LOSING
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
DEFEAT
"For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them."
FAILURE
"When your best just isn't good enough."
STUPIDITY
"Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those that never win AND never quit are
idiots."
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
The following are the entries submitted in the Washington Post's "Style
Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries
for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar. The winning entry, by the way, is shown
for January 31.
December 1:
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and
use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2:
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering
machine.
December 3:
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails.
Flog gardener.
December 4:
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're
all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
December 5:
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6:
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7:
Debug Windows 95.
December 10:
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
December 11:
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
December 12:
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with
homemade nitrogen.
December 13:
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14:
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15:
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at the mall.
December 17:
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
December 19:
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when
sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20:
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive
sparkle to the pasture.
December 21:
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
December 22:
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23:
Seed clouds to ensure a picturesque white Christmas.
December 24:
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute
Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25:
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26:
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate
number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate
death rates for current friends and relatives.
December 27:
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31:
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of
the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
January 1, 1999:
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1999.
January 3:
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
January 5:
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
sticks.
January 7:
Lay Faberge egg.
January 8:
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
January 10:
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
January 13:
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write
staff their dismissal notes.
January 15:
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
January 16:
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
January 20:
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
January 21:
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
January 23:
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
January 25:
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
January 26:
Review the Christmas '95 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much
beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
January 28:
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
January 31:
Gild lilies.