Humor #38

MISSOURI OUTREACH / EXTENSION OFFICE QUESTIONS

1.  Can you apply metal shavings to your garden? Customer’s husband has acquired cast iron shavings from grinding brake drums. She had heard the old story of using nails beside young plants to keep cutworms from chewing completely around stems of plants, so she figured this would be like using nails. (Benton County)

2.  Can you make peach jelly and stir fresh peaches in it after it was made? Secretary asked why and he said he really liked fresh peaches and thought it would be good on toast. Secretary suggested peach preserves. (Buchanan County)

3.  Customer was taking a class on drugs and wanted the household purpose of each ingredient in the making of methamphatamines. She stated she could supply me with the ingredients. Secretary provided her phone number to the sheriff’s department. (Newton County)

4.  What is the nutritive value of pigeon feed? (Cass County)

5.  Customer wanted to know what "Lasticity" was. (Cass County)

6.  Customer’s dog died and she wanted to take it back to Iowa to bury it but couldn’t go until spring. She wanted to know if she put in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer, would it taint the meat in the freezer. ( Cass County)

7.  Customer had received some fresh fish from a neighbor. Fish had little worms in them, and the customer wanted to know if they were ok to eat. (Chariton County)

8.  What is the tick population of SE Missouri? (Cole County)

9.  Do have to use well water for canning or can you use tap water? (Cole County)

10.  Do you clean a turkey like you clean a chicken? (Cole County)

11.  Individual in Springfield, Missouri, called the Cape office to obtain a telephone number for the Extension office in Springfield. (Cape Girardeau County)

12.  How much popcorn should you eat to get constipated so you can stop diarrhea? (Cape Girardeau County)

13.  Customer brought in a large oval rock about the size of a football. He wanted to know how to get hold an archaeologist because he thought it was a dinosaur egg. He had lots of "eggs" around his place but wanted it to be kept quiet because his place might turn out to be a "Jurassic Park." (Gasconade County)

14.  Customer wanted to enter their female water buffalo in the County steer show. (Gasconade County)

15.  Do duck eggs give you diarrhea? (Cape Girardeau County)

16.  Customer’s horse had been bit by a bear that got into their pasture. The horse wouldn’t go back into the pasture. How can they get it to go back? (Howell County)

17.  How harmful are the preservatives in cream cheese? (Cape Girardeau County)

18.  Customer wanted to know what she sprayed on her grapes last year; they were the best ones she ever raised. (Howell County)

19. Gentleman wanted to talk to the livestock specialist about snail farming. (Howell County)

20.  Customer called to make sure the office did not have a reservation for a lady to attend class which she was not going to attend. (Cape Girardeau County)

21.  Man from Alaska called the office, asked for the secretary by name, and asked when the fur sale was. He wanted to buy some. (LaClede County)

22. Where can you get a queen ant? Worker ants can be shipped but not queen ants. (Cape Girardeau County)

23. If someone was using a poison, would it show up in pickles stored in plastic containers? (Laclede County)

24.Will you come and remove a skunk from my garage? (Cape Girardeau County)

25. Need the number for Sex Anonymous. Secretary gave him the number of a support group; he called back in 3 months to let her know how he was doing. ( Laclede County)

26. How do you make vanilla extract? You’re supposed to soak beans in vodka, could you use bourbon instead? (Cape Girardeau County)

27. Can you marry me? (she thought the county secretary was the judge.) ( Laclede County)

28. What direction do you cut chicken breasts into strips so they are not tough? (Girardeau County)

29. Customer was feeding chickens and while the hens were running toward the scattered feed, two hens collided. The best layer damaged her neck and couldn’t hold up it upright. Customer wanted to know how she could save the chicken and secretary relayed information from livestock specialist that the bird couldn’t be helped. Several weeks went by and the lady told secretary she had brought the hen into the house, propped it’s head up with pillows, hand fed it, and now it was fine. (Lincoln County)

30. Customer named Crowe needed birdhouse plans. (Cape Girardeau County)

31. How can I get a 12-foot banana tree in my home for winter. Home has 8 foot ceilings. (Cape Girardeau County)

32. How much caffeine was in peach leaves? Customer had friend who brewing peach tree leaves in water and then was drinking it for urinary tract problems. Nutrition specialist found out that peach leaves contain a compound that releases cyanide when eaten. Symptoms include difficulty in breathing, excitement and paralysis of voice and prostration. Secretary called customer back and customer said now that she thought about it her friend was very excited all the time and laughed too much. (Livingston County)

33. How can you build a gate or opening in a line fence wide enough for a "big bull" to get through but the "skinny" cows couldn’t? (Cape Girardeau County)

34. Customer wanted someone to come to his home to see where a bear had been tearing up a stump in his yard. The bear turned out to be a raccoon. (Morgan County)

35. At Thanksgiving, a lady wanted to know if she could thaw her turkey in the toilet. Her reasoning was that if you placed the bird in the toilet bowl, you could change the water every twenty minutes by flushing the toilet. (Perry County)

36. What is the correct storage procedure for non food items -- toothpaste, toilet paper, etc. (Cape Girardeau County)

37. A lady brought in a jar of water with bugs in it; she said that every water source in her house had the bugs in it (toilet, sink, washer, etc.) . Columbia said the bugs were house ants, but each one had its abdomen missing. (Phelps County)

38. Why don’t noodles stay small when cooked? (Cape Girardeau County)

39. Do you have a dating service for morally upstanding women? (Putnam County)

40. Need contents of a gizzard identified so guy could know where to hunt next year. (Cape Girardeau County)

41. Customer wanted to know if a rock she had might be a skull. She wouldn’t bring it in because it might be of great value and she didn’t want anyone to see it. ( Putnam County)

42. How long do you microwave lettuce in comparison to boiling it for 30 minutes on stove? Customer was using boiled lettuce for tadpole food. (Cape Girardeau County)

43. How do you kill bacteria in radioactive chickens? (Cape Girardeau County)

44. Police department wanted to know how to catch a Emu running loose in town. (Stone County)

45. The reason chicken have been punished with salmonella is because chickens are forced to eat feathers and beaks back through feed which is an immoral sin. (Cape Girardeau County)

46. If you beat your fruit tree with a bat will it produce fruit? (St. Louis County)

47. How much do cows pay per acre for rent? ( Cape Girardeau County)

48. Teacher called and wanted to know what was going to hatch from chicken eggs brought to class room for an embryology project. (St. Louis County)

49. How much peanut butter can you feed a cow and what’s the side effects? (Girardeau County)

50. Customer concerned because semen being used for A.I. for his cows was white. The bull was supposed to be Angus, shouldn’t the semen be black? He didn’t want crossbred calves. (Sullivan County)

51. At what temperature does the fat on red meat vaporize? ( Cape Girardeau County)

52. Do you folks do the "rabbit test?" (Washington County)

53. How can I keep my bra straps up? (Cape Girardeau County)

54. What is in chocolate that stimulates the sex drive -- that’s not what I want it for though. (Cape Girardeau County)

55. Customer want information on herbs -- secretary asked what kind was he specifically interested in - basil, rosemary, sage, etc.? He said the kind of herbs that causes blisters and sores "I have all the time." (Audrain County)

56. Recipes for zinnias, African violets, pansies and roses. (Cape Girardeau County)

57. Customer wanted to know how to make ketchup. Secretary started looking it up and then customer said she needed the recipe right away -- supper was one the stove and she needed ketchup for the french fries. (Oregon County)

58. Customer had leftover turkey from Thanksgiving with a white film on it. Is it safe to eat? This was thirteen days after the holiday. (Cape Girardeau County)

59. Do you do pap smears? (Montgomery County)

60. Recipes for bear meat. ( Cape Girardeau County)

61. If there’s a cow running down main street, what should we do if it tried to come in our shop?

62. How do you clean a turtle? (Polk County)

63. Customer found a bag of pot under bed which he had forgotten. It had been there three months and he wanted to know if it was still good. (Platte County)

64. Wanted to know if he could plant his garden with carpet. Could it affect the taste or quality of the plants due to the dye or glue content? (Atchison County)

65. Customer had a small garden pond and every day there was more goldfish in it. (Phelps County)

66. The exact day of the last frost. (Phelps County)

67. Customer had a recipe she wanted to try that included mayonnaise. Customer had a jar with a little left in it with a little water or oil settled on the bottom. The jar was stored on her shelf in the cabinet. Is it still good? (St. Francois County)

68. Customer saw a TV quiz show that said eyeballs was used for hamburger filler. Is this true because she sure is tired of just eating chicken after hearing this. (Cass County)

69. Can you use urine for fertilizer for blueberries? (MAC)

70. What is the phone number of the Courthouse in Jackson, Mississippi? ( Polk County)

71. Customer wanted to be connected with the "Hot House." (Cape Girardeau County)

72. Customer wanted directions on cooking groundhog. (Cape Girardeau County)

73. Is it safe to collect rain off of an asphalt roof to put on a garden during dry spells? (Cape Girardeau County)

74. Have you noticed when you fry eggs it smells like burned chicken feathers? (Cape Girardeau County)

75. Customer wanted to know if the secretaries noticed that tuna smelled fishy? Customer thought tuna should smell like chicken -- after all, isn’t it called "chicken of the sea." (Cape Girardeau County)

76. Customer was 75 years old -- said he worked out and been told he had a good looking body for his age. He wanted to know how much water was too much for intake. (Cape Girardeau County)

77. Do you have a bowling alley in your building? (Cape Girardeau County)

78. Customer called in to ask about tobacco allotments. Since the price of cigarettes was going up so high, he decided to raise his own tobacco. He wanted to avoid the high government tax on cigarettes. Lincoln County)

79. Gentlemen wanted to feed his chicken walnuts collected on his place. He thought it would reduce the protein he needed to feed them. (Lincoln County)

80.Man brought a five gallon bucket full of caterpillars into a hot office one afternoon for i.d. (Morgan County)

81.How many gallons of water are there is a field of one acre that is 12" deep? (Mercer County)

82.Do you have a taxi service? (Putnam County)

84.Directions for a straw house. (Phelps County)

85.Wanted exact temperatures for "hot over," "moderate over," and "very hot oven." They were degree measurements out of an old cookbook. (Phelps County)

83.Customer brought in a dead bat in a jar and wanted to know what to do with it. (Ralls County)

84.Secretary had a long conversation with customer thinking he was saying "mole" and was actually talking about "mold." He couldn’t understand how a trap would help with the "mole" under his sink! (Taney County)

85.Secretary looked in a can thinking she had a soil sample and found a coiled snake instead! (Washington County)

Note -- Several secretaries note that they were asked out to tell male and female on several species of "critters." One noted that she even had to do hand drawn pictures.

Had a few talk about helping people with stains -- trying to find out what the stain is can sometimes be an embarrassing proposition!!

Outhouses are definitely still around -- a few secretaries had requests for plans.

03/22/01