Humor #37
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
For those of you who don't know, Family Fortune is a television program where contestants are asked (in a family), what a random sample of 100 of the population would answer if given a certain question.
Genuine contestants' answers from the ITV game show Family Fortunes. We asked one hundred people to name... You say...
A famous Scotsman Vinny Jones
A famous Scotsman Jock
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers A horse
A jacket potato topping Jam
A food that can be brown or white Potatoes
A sign of the zodiac April
A job a working dog does Slave
Something with a hole in it A window
Something people might be allergic to Skiing
A type of large cat Persian
A type of record Floppy disc
Something associated with pigs The police
A non-living object with legs A plant
A domestic animal Leopard
Something red My cardigan
A kind of ache Filet-o-fish
[To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman] A food that can be easily eaten without chewing
Er, chips?
Something you beat An apple
A dangerous race (i.e. a motor race) The Arabs
A number you have to memorize Seven
Some famous brothers Bonnie and Clyde
Something that floats in the bath Water
Something in the garden that's green The shed
Something a blind man might use A sword
Something you wear on the beach A deckchair
A famous cowboy Buck Rogers
An animal you might see at a zoo A dog
A famous bridge The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
A part of the body beginning with the letter N Knee
Something you put on walls Roofs
Something you do in the bathroom Decorate
A famous Royal Mail
Something slippery A con-man
A way of cooking fish Cod
A form of transport you can walk around in My foot
A method of securing your home Put the kettle on
Something you do before going to bed Sleep
Something a cat does Goes to the toilet
An animal beginning with the letter B Bullfrog
The last thing you take off before going to bed Your feet
Something that makes you scream A squirrel
Something you have with coffee The Sunday Sport
A song with 'Moon' in the title 'Blue Suede Moon'
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine A bicycle with wings
Something with a red light on it A Dalek
'Something you open other than a door?' Your bowels
'Something you open other than a door?' - Your legs!!!
The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' science exams:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
Golfing Story
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three men are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son" says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, says how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful,in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift. The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. When the forth man arrives at the tee box, they tell him that they have been discussing their prodigy and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replied. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.
From 'Performance Bikes'
The Arizona highway patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff above a road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled an airplane crash but it turned out to be a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured what it was and what had happened.
It seems a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) used to give heavy military transport planes extra 'push' for taking off. He had driven his Chevrolet Impala out into the desert, found a long, straight stretch of road and then attached the JATO unit to his car.
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala jumped in, got some speed up and fired off the JATO at a distance of approximately three miles from the crash site - established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrush within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds of well in excess of 350mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for f-18 jocks under full afterburners, and basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the car stayed on the straight highway for about two and a half miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick black rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. to leave a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from the steering wheel.
If you're going to go......go fast
Al Nino?
Reported on the BBC in England. It concerns El Nino. It's simply amazing how ignorant some people are...
It appears that a good number of Californians don't know what El Nino is all about. There happens to live in California a guy called Alfonso Nino, who appears in the telephone directory as Al Nino.
Now, during the sequence of storms that hit the West Coast some weeks back, Al Nino received a string of insulting calls saying things 0 like "Hey look Al Nino, you'd better stop messing around with the weather like this, stop these storms, you're ruining my crop, you carry on like this you're in real trouble"... etc. etc. And when the storms stopped, a strawberry farmer called to thank him for having saved his strawberry crop and even sent his wife a bunch of flowers...
El Nino (To the tune of "Windy")
Who's crashing in on all of the beaches, Who's tearing down the hallways of life, Who's ripping up our homes and our memories, Everyone knows it's El Nino.
Who's made the mountains tumble down around us, Who's caused the sea cliffs to slowly erode, Who's raging waters have darn near drowned us, We can be sure it's El Nino.
~CHORUS~
El Nino is coming on strong,
Are you where you really belong?
El Nino has wings of steel,
Is this our last meal,
Is it for real?
Who's tearing trees right up from the soil, And covering the mountains with tons of snow? Who's wreaking havoc, death, and destruction? Yes my friends, it's El Nino!
A FRIEND.......
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plain things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Taxing Issues
* Got my income taxes all done and mailed in the check. I made it out to the "Eternal Revenue Service". They sent it back though -- no sense of humor at all !
* I do feel like I'm cheating every year on my taxes when I list myself as the head of our household.
* Seriously though, I think all those guys at the Internal Revenue Service are so darn picky. They denied a 50 % depreciation deduction on me. It was all Mrs. Jim Jr's idea though. She said I'm not half the man I used to be.
* I saw in the paper the other day that in effect, by paying taxes, the average American works over 6 months a year for the Government. Heck, even Government employees don't work 6 months a year for the government.
* Since I've retired, I've been having a problem calculating my adjusted gross income. I've done it five times so far, and it's still gross.
* I've come to the conclusion that America's Founding Fathers were all wrong. Seems to me that they should have fought for representation without taxation.
* With the big hit the movie "Titanic" is, I wonder if anyone but me noticed that April 15th was the day it went down. That happens to be the income tax deadline in the US when millions of Americans are also sunk. Ironic, huh ?
This purports to be the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
AREN'T COMPUTERS GRAND
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Medical Misstatements
The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."
Non-Sequitur Real Life
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said:
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives Two Years Ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts.
He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Paul Coupaud says:"When the guy at the door said, 'Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,' I just assumed it was more supplies ..."
It's Never Too Late
By Marilyn Manning from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul (c) 1996
Several years ago, while attending a communications course, I experienced a most unusual process. The instructor asked us to list anything in our past that we felt ashamed of, guilty about, regretted, or incomplete about. The next week he invited participants to read their lists aloud. This seemed like a very private process, but there's always some brave soul in the crowd who will volunteer. As people read their lists, mine grew longer. After three weeks, I had 101 items on my list. The instructor then suggested that we find ways to make amends, apologize to people, or take some action to right any wrongdoing. I was seriously wondering how this could ever improve my communications, having visions of alienating just about everyone from my life.
The next week, the man next to me raised his hand and volunteered this story: "While making my list, I remembered an incident from high school. I grew up in a small town in Iowa. There was a sheriff in town that none of us kids liked. One night, my two buddies and I decided to play a trick on Sheriff Brown. After drinking a few beers, we found a can of red paint, climbed the tall water tank in the middle of town, and wrote, on the tank, in bright red letters: Sheriff Brown is an s.o.b. The next day, the town arose to see our glorious sign. Within two hours, Sheriff Brown had my two pals and me in his office. My friends confessed and I lied, denying the truth. No one ever found out.
"Nearly 20 years later, Sheriff Brown's name appears on my list. I didn't even know if he was still alive. Last weekend, I dialed information in my hometown back in Iowa. Sure enough, there was a Roger Brown still listed. I dialed his number. After a few rings, I heard: `Hello?' I said: `Sheriff Brown?' Pause. `Yup.' `Well, this is Jimmy Calkins. And I want you to know that I did it.' Pause. `I knew it!' he yelled back. We had a good laugh and a lively discussion. His closing words were: `Jimmy, I always felt badly for you because your buddies got it off their chest, and I knew you were carrying it around all these years. I want to thank you for calling me...for your sake.'"
Jimmy inspired me to clear up all 101 items on my list. It took me almost two years, but became the springboard and true inspiration for my career as a conflict mediator. No matter how difficult the conflict, crisis or situation, I always remember that it's never too late to clear up the past and begin resolution.
Irish Tales
"St. Patrick's Day's Engagement"
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
"St. Patrick's Skull"
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a assortment of Human Skulls. "What are you doing?" asked the American. "Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland... G-d bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland... G-d bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's Correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!"
On Exhibit
"Huh?" An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key. "About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH G-D... they got me girlfriend, too!!"
"The Winning Number"
"And the winning ticket is number 11," Father Ted called at the charity raffle. Everybody looked around to see who had won the prize but no one had their hand up. "Didn't you have ticket number 11 Father Dougal?" Father Ted urged. "So I do Father," said Father Dougal. "I'm sorry, I was looking at it upside down!"
"At the Cemetery"
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery. As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep. A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up. "Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.He got out.
TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. ""Duuuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics'."
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gate's attorney."
Midwest Floods
"It is pleasant to have been to a place the way a river went." - Henry David Thoreau
Well, Henry, that depends. In tribute to those racked by the weird weather that's been happening lately...
Pro: You can have a fishing contest from the couch in your living room. Con: Your couch doesn't float.
Pro: No better time to wash the siding of your house. Con: Ring around the house.
Pro: Water skiing in the street. Con: Stop signs and cars that are barely covered.
Pro: Sun tanning on the roof of your house is cool. Con: Sleeping there stinks.
Pro: Washing dishes just got easier. Con: All your food is underwater too.
Pro: You can practice your diving skills...Con: ...until you hit that small awning over your back door.
Pro: You can finally reach those dead branches. Con: Now you just have to find the tree trimmer.
Pro: You can finally slam dunk. Con: You have to dive to the basket.
Pro: "Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known." Con: Bridge slipping along with river.
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises in the corporate world, here is the mathematical proof:
From the old adages:
Knowledge is Power. Time is Money.
And, from high school physics we all know: Power = Work / Time
Thus, if Knowledge = Power and Time = Money then, Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Theory Proven !!
YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF:
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free".
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August to June.
10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like playtime for you."
23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
A Wee Bit O' The Irish
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
"Eulogy"
Mean old Fitzgerald died and his funeral was held by Father O'Malleyin a parish in Ireland. Fitzgerald was a rich businessman that treated his factory workers and family very poorly; never had a good word for anyone, but lots of bad ones, a penny pincher and slave driver. Only seven people showed up for the funeral, and usually the whole parish showed up when someone passed. Father treated all his flock the same and started his usual mass.
When it came time for the eulogy, no one came forward. Father asked for someone to do the proper thing, but all just bowed their heads and looked at the floor. Father said, surely someone has something nice to say about old Fitzgerald. No one looked up. Father got mad and said, now this is my church and someone is going to give a few words good of eulogy. No one moved, but finally Paddy, the janitor, stood up. "Father, "he said, "his brother was meaner."
"Confession"
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it the bony Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father. "No." "Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No." "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No." "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
TEACHERS GET PAID TOO MUCH
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these teachers myself...I'd pay them babysitting wages.
That's right...instead of paying these out-rageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And, I'm only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare.
Now how many children do they teach a day - maybe twenty? That's
$15.00 X 20 = $300.00 a day.
But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations.
$300 X 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)
I know you teachers will say what about those who have ten years of experience and a master's degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times twenty children.
$5.00 X 5 X 20. That's $500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000.
HUH???? Wait a minute. Let's get a little perspective here.
Babysitting wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here???!
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
RUNNERS-UP:
1) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
2) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
3) China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
4) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah,"the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
* WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN... *
The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German philosophy club? I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Arafat club? Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? Noh.
The quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? Si.
The anti-perspirant club? Sure.
The pregnancy club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club Maybe next week
The Self Esteem Builders They wouldn't accept me anyway
The Agoraphobics Society Only if they meet at my house
The Co-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group God willing!
Play on Words
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,.......the police didn't have anything to go on.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
You Might Be A Child Of The 70s If...
You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to make you angry by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."
You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool, and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.
Your hair, at some point in time in the 80s, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting."
AIRPLANE HUMOR
"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes." - Rex Kramer (Robert Stack), Airplane! (1980)
Any takeoff you can walk away from is a good one!
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!
...Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If...
Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not the force.
Your master ever said, "My finger you will pull.. hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you20 had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist -off bottle of beer.
*Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
Know When to Leave!
One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He was hired as the local saloon's bartender, but the owner gave him a word of warning: "Remember, drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."
Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.
The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink. "Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man. He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, ...and then turned to leave. The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?
"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"
