Humor #36
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001
You Know You Are Addicted To The Internet When...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. {Of course! - ^v^}
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a page-full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page. {Well, my cat does... - ^v^}
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. {You mean it's possible to have "no new e-mail?" - ^v^}
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. {Being there, done that - ^v^}
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do," and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
The last girl (or boy) you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
From the guys dorm at your local university:
20 Ways to Annoy a Public Bathroom Stallmate:
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh, oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Yikes, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh geez! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. -Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now, how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting . . . more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please."
13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast..
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Darn, I knew this drain hole was a little too small. Now, what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-banners Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
Questions asked to Park Rangers
Grand Canyon National Park
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom-where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas-their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this-just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park
Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Squashing Change
How to Make Sure Change and Innovation Don't Take Root in Your Community Adapted from The Change Masters: Innovations for Productivity in the American Corporation, by Rosabeth Moss, Sociologist. She points out that many companies have an unspoken policy of stifling change and innovation among employees. Listed below is an adapted list for community leaders and elected officials. From "Squashing Change", Happenings in the Valley, Vol. 13, No. 3, January 1985, Missouri Valley Adult Education Association, p. 1.
1. Regard any new idea from volunteers or community citizens with suspicion -- because it's new and its from someone who is not an "expert".
2. Insist that people who need your approval to act go through several other levels of management for their approval or signatures before they come to you.
3. Ask community groups or committees to challenge and criticize each other's proposals. (That saves you the job of deciding; you just pick the survivor.)
4. Express your criticisms freely, and withhold your praise. (That keeps people on their toes.) Let them know that their contribution is of marginal value and that they can be replaced at any time.
5. Treat identification of issues that need attention as a sign of failure. This discourages people from letting you know when something isn't working.
6. Control everything carefully. Make sure people count anything that can be counted or survey anything that can be surveyed frequently.
7. Make decisions to reorganize or change policies in secret, and spring these on people unexpectedly. (This also will keep all people involved on their toes.)
8. Make sure that requests for information (or just plain simple questions) are fully justified, and make sure that information and answers are not given out to chairpersons (let alone the public) freely.
9. In the name of delegation of responsibility, assign to committee, organization or task force chairpersons (or to the person on the committee which you least like) all of the tough tasks you don't want to do, especially if they are politically unfavorable. (In the private sector, these tasks include figuring how to cut back, make layoffs, move people around, and implement threatening decisions which have been made at the top.) And get them to do it quickly.
10. And above all, never, never, never forget that you -- the higher ups, the experts,the specialists, the elected officials or the chairpersons -- already know everything important about the community and the business at hand.
Found another TelCo virus:
MCI Virus--Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus
Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism"
Yestarday, use your Virus Detector for the following viruses:
Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MG, then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus--Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
The "Its just that simple" Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus--Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
TRAVELERS BEWARE!!!!
Airline Virus--You're in Dallas, but your Data is in Singapore
Adam & Eve Virus--Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple
ATTENTION: More Government Viruses Discovered
House of Representatives Virus--The Computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Senate Virus--Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
PBS Virus--Your computer stops twice a year to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus--Your programs disappear and can never be found.
These viruses originated in California:
LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your computer and erases them in "self-defense".
OJ Virus--It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Top ten things that would be different if the Twelve Apostles had been gay:
1) The 'Sermon on the Mount' would be a musical 2) Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day
3) Priests would get married... welllll ... never mind
4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Rick and Steve
5) Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS
6) The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just re-decorated
7) The water at the Wedding Feast of Cana would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for color.
8) The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number
9) Replace the 'Beatitudes' with "Fabulous are they..."
10) The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
Here’s a thought:
Singer-songwriter and mathematician Tom Lehrer said, "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
Medical Terminology
ARTERY - the study of paintings
BARIUM - what you do when CPR fails
CESAREAN SECTION - A district in Rome
COLIC - A sheep dog
COMA - A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL - Friendly
DILATE - To live long
FESTER - Quicker
G.I. SERIES - Baseball games between teams of soldiers
RIPPE - A suit case
HANGNAIL - A coat hook
MEDICAL STAFF - A doctor's cane
MORBID - A higher offer
NITRATE - Lower than the day rate
NODE - was aware of
OUTPATIENT - a person who has fainted
POST-OPERATIVE - A letter carrier
PROTEIN - In favor of young people
SECRETION - Hiding anything
SEROLOGY - Study of English Knighthood
TABLET - A small table
TUMOR - An extra pair
URINE - Opposite of you're out
==============================
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Council for Rigid Accuracy in Publishing (CRAP) announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
* the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
* the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
* a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
D.I. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, D.I. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including
* Delphi's {<http://www.delphi.com/navnet/legends.html> Urban Legends Page}
* {<http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/ciachoaxes.html> Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability}
* {<http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html> Symantec Anti Virus Research Center}
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
This message is so important, you should send it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
(If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
Actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gund wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been cared s***less too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." - Bertrand Russell
~~~ I'M normal, YOU'RE crazy! ~~~
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AT WORK
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree with you there, Chiachi."
4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you are doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I will be in the bathroom."
5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting are your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive"
7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day long and tell people you're waiting for your document. Once someone finally asks you to check what could be wrong, suddenly exclaim that you forgot to hit "OK" on the print screen.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward it to a co-worker and ask her to settle the dispute.
13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Label your file cabinet "OUT."
15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many".
16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
19. Put DECAF in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once all the caffeine addicts have stopped with the sweating and shaking, switch it to EXPRESSO!!!!!