Humor #35
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001
These are actual news headlines.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives:
The brother who ate prunes...Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked in a convenience store...Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt...Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt...Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois...Chica Gogh
His magician uncle...Wherediddy Gogh
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia....U.Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all this clothes white...Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother....Please Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico...Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative...Grin Gogh
The uncle who was constipated...Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing...Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle...Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychologist...E.Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits...Mang Gogh
And he had an aunt who taught him the power of positive thinking...Whey Too Gogh
His bouncy young nephew...Poe Gogh
His disco-loving sister...Go Gogh
His Italian uncle...Day Gogh
and his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van....Winnie Bay Gogh
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00"
Three cowboys had been riding the range since early in the morning. One of them was a member of the Navajo Nation. Being busy with herding stray cattle all day, there had been no time for the three of them to eat. Toward the end of the day, two of the cowboys started talking about how hungry they were and about the huge meals they were going to eat when they reached town. When one of the cowboys asked the Navajo if he was also hungry, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "No."
Later that evening, after they had arrived in town, all three ordered large steak dinners. As the Navajo proceeded to eat everything in sight with great gusto, one of his friends reminded him that less than an hour earlier he had told them that he was not hungry. "Not wise to be hungry then," he replied. "No food."
Lawyer Humor
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?Their personalities.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
submitted by: R.C. Ogden
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WAR OFFICE
Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles. 7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited. 8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines. 11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.
20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger. 24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
Where do pets come from?
It is reported that an additional chapter of the Book of Genesis has been discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls that provides an answer to the question,"Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
The Cat did not care one way or the other.
The dog thinks:My humans feed me, pet me, play with me, and love me - they must be GOD.
The cat thinks:My humans feed me, pet me, play with me, and love me - I must be GOD.
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.