Humor #34
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001
Calling For Technical Support
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her...
(No, that is NOT advice! Neither is this, but it's really funny! :o)
~~~ Just picking up a couple things... ~~~
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes,I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."
When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time,he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"
"That was the only one," said the young salesman.
"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"
"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.
The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?"
"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."
"A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing...'"
An assortment of thoughts:
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening. Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket? Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
Dec. 14,
My Dearest Peter,
The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago, and the pear tree >sapling came a little while later. I'm not sure of the connection, but I love them.
Love always,Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 15,
Enjoy the following:
Dearest Peter,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your thoughtful gift. They are adorable.
All my love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 16,
Dearest Peter,
Aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you are too kind.
Love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 17,
Dearest Peter,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are quite beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 18, 1997
Dearest Peter,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings - one for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 19,
Dear Peter,
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my >front step. So you are back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 20,
Pete,
What is it with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of sick joke is this? There are bird droppings all over my house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those stupid birds.
Sincerely,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 21,
O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they brought along their stinking cows. There is poop all over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.
Just lay off me,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 22,
Hey,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing, and do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 23,
You Rotten Pig,
Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why they call these gals ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it!
- - - - - - -
Dec. 24,
Listen Dummy,
Those pipers ran through the maids and have caused a stampede with the cows. Now, all 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death.
I hope you're satisfied.
Your sworn enemy,
- - - - - - -
Dec. 26, 1997
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, >which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers.
The destruction, of course, was total. All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest.>
Have a happy holiday season....
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan
~~~ Life as an American ~~~
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
7 Habits of Highly Humorous People
1. Collect cartoons, stories and jokes that you enjoy and share these with friends, colleagues, and family.
2. Be more playful. Be playful, silly, and improvisational because others pick up your spirit.
3. Carry some humor with you in your wallet or purse and share it.
4. Hang out with people who laugh and find joy in life.
5. Give silly and ridiculous gifts and cards.
6. Look for humor and humor will find you.
7. Most important, step back and laugh at yourself.
"If You Don't Have a Sense of Humor, It's Just Not Funny."
A Glossary for the computer illiterate
When you strike a vein of gold, why not mine it? So, for the Computer Illiterate, here is a glossary to print and hang next to your electronic friend...
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
From the Mouths of Babes Dept:
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia -- or Missouri!
1. The No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker - "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said, c:\Let there be light
Enter used id.
c:\God
Enter password.
c:\Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM Sunday, March 1.
c:\Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Create light
Done
c:\Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday March 2.
c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Create firmament
Done
c:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\Create dry_land
Done
c:\Run firmament
And God divided the lands and waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM March 4.
c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\Create sun_moon_stars
And God divided the days and nights. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\Create fish
Done
c:\Create fowl
Done
C:\Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\Create cattle
Done
c:\Create creepy things
Done
c:\Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\Create man
Done
c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors
c:\Insert breath
Done
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\Move man to Garden.edn.
Done
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\Copy woman from man
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\Create desire
Done
c:\Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel or ask for help.
c:\Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel or ask for help.
c:\Create tree of knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\Create good, evil
Done
c:\Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning: System error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Break
c:\Break
c:\Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS***ATTENTION ALL USERS:
OMPUTER GOING DOWN ON REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\Destroy earth confirmed.
COMPUTER DOWN***COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday March 6.
12:00:10 AM, Sunday, March 8, God created Macintosh. (Hmmm. wonder were the Apple fits into the creation story? Serpent, you ask? Bill Gates, of course.)
END