Humor #33
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001
Hey, What's the Definition of...
Abusive
What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Amnesia
I forget.
Apathy
I don't care.
Bigotry
I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Blasphemous
G... Dammit, I told you not to ask!
Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Conditional
Well, it depends.
Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell!
Dictator
I'll tell you when you can ask questions!
Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab.
Egotistical
I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive
Have you done your homework today?
Exhausted
I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent
That question really stinks!
Greedy
What's in it for me if I tell you?
Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Ignorance
I don't know.
Indifference
It doesn't matter.
Influenza
You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insensitive
I don't care if you don't know the answer.
Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated
** BURP **
Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question.
Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant
It's not important.
Obstinate
I'm not going to tell you.
Over-Protective
I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that?
Paranoid
You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Pessimistic
I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before.
Secretive
I can't tell you right now.
Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Senile
When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Subjective
It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions?
Temperamental
What the heck do you want to know that for???
Withdrawn
""
Supposed true tech support stories.
A lady bought a Compaq computer at a local retailer. The same day she called the retailer to complain that the machine came with a dead mouse. The retailer put the lady on hold to call Compaq to see if the mouse could be replaced. While playing the middle man between the customer and tech support, he found out that the lady did not want a new mouse. Upon further investigation, the salesperson learned that somehow, a mouse (the normally living, furry kind) had crawled into the box and died.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A tech for Texas Instruments notebooks received a call from a man who lived deep in the country. The man was working on the notebook in his cabin before going to bed. He left the notebook on his kitchen table turned on. The notebook went into power-save mode after a few minutes. A raccoon crawled into an open window and stepped on a key on the notebook. The notebook came to life, lit up the screen and began to make the usual computer noises. This scared the raccoon, who urinated on the machine. The man woke up to find that both his notebook and the raccoon were dead. He was calling tech support to see if this sort of action would be covered under warranty. The tech had to put the customer on hold because he was laughing so hard. When he regained his composure, he got back on the phone and told the customer that this would not be covered under warranty, however, he said he would not log the call and referred the customer to customer service so he could tell the customer service rep that he was going to sue because it killed his pet raccoon.
Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases
Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
- Robert Benchley
~~~ That's the last straw! Now I'll have to use a glass. ~~~
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!
There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
"The 1997 Darwin Award competition"
These awards are given each year to bestow upon, (the remains of), that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll, if you please) the 1997 runners-up & winners:
5th runner-up:
A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. Twenty-two year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m. The Mono County Sheriff's Department said Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
Man loses face at party; a man at a West Virginia party, (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck), popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that". Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a mans rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H. (What a ride, eh? - ^v^)
And now, this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets, (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins), to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted, (and broken, along with his arm, as it were), by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE?), Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win..
Remember, Safety First... -- Remember THE safety question:
"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IF I DO THIS?"
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.
Listen up Guys! This stuff really matters...
~~~ The Rules ~~~
* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the females suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.
* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
* The male may not point out that the women has changed her mind.
* The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female is ready when she is ready.
* The male must be ready at all times.
* If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.
* The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
* The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
* The male may not inquire about the women's time of the month.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
* The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character. (Awww!)
Thoughts on Children:
Familiarity breeds children......
For adult education, nothing beats children.....
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.....
Having children will turn you into your parents.....
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Thoughts in general:
If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail."
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence. I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.-- Van Roy's Law
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen
"Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOG RULES
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"
The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your head?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
A New Pet
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!"