Humor #32
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was > having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.'
I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested."Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said.
Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man. " I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked."Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply... I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
"Hardest Things About Being a Septuplet"
Middle children only get to keep hand-me-down clothes for about six minutes
Being constantly taunted by brothers and sisters who claim, "You were an accident; Mom and Dad only wanted six."
Can't organize a game of three-on-three hoops without one sibling being reduced to tears
Never get more than a tiny taste of birthday cake
The "youngest" child forever frustrated that most family decisions are made according to "birth order"
When two grown septuplets have a fight, they feel an unexplained urge to steal their sibling's oxygen and nutrients
Dealing with lifelong claustrophobia
Emotional block leaves you unable to say the words "fertility drugs"
Headache-inducing confusion caused by trying to figure out which sibling sent the latest telepathic message
Recurring nightmare that you might have ended-up as one of seven "Siamese Septuplets"
IF THE BEATLES USED COMPUTERS new lyrics to Beatles Song
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Oxymorons:
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft Rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Plastic glasses
Plastic silverware
Over compensation
Descartes
I am, therefore I think. That's putting Descartes before the horse.
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not." Descartes disappears.
Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I sink, therefor I swam."
Computerese
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Please answer the questions below when you experience problems with your computer.
Computer Problem Report Form:
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
VARICOSE VEINS - Veins which are very close together
Yet another "festive holiday poem" based on "Twas The Night Before Christmas", this one by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM, Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my hard drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the Net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was of course perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
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----------------
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The perfect Woman. (of course)
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and the is NO such thing as a perfect man.
smile
CANADIAN HUMOR
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
h guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss instead of a near hit?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
This Week's Theme: LANGUAGE!
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" - Clarence Darrow
Try to read this straight through quickly without mispronouncing any words - It's long but it goes quick! Have Fun...
~~~ The Beauty of English ~~~
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching
Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are:
Solve the dining philosophers problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64.
Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit.
Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe, and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device.
"Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds.
MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.
When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory.
Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir".
CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.
Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some real beauties:
"Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!"
"Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?"
"What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.