Humor #30

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Missouri!

1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.

3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".

9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".

10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

12. Daisy Duke screen saver.

13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.

17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.

18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."

19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".

20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker - "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".

In Response to Deaths of Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy......

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH weEK.

INTERESTING FACTS

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

Submitted by: J.I. Walsh @ bu.edu

"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System"

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15.Hey capt'n take another hit man...

"Flying 'Truisms'"

If you travel nonstop around the world, you'll appreciate these truisms.

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you, even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, he more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

"Aircraft Landings" (Sent in by Michael L Vincent)

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee...

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines

FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

Rules for Cats who have a House to Run...

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. (My cat has done this to me for years!! It's a miracle she's still alive, after all these busy tax seasons.... - LadyHawke)

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Sent in by Steve Sanderson:

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
- Former U.S. President Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-"Mr. New Jersey" contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-Former U.S. Senator Everett Dirksen

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher

Microsoft Innovates again!

REDMOND, Washington -- Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" which will clear up space on users' hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user license agreements, 'About' screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files containing nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.

Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged long filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames underneath. He did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a little ugly. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.

Descartes

I am, therefore I think. That's putting Descartes before the horse.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not." Descartes disappears.

Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I sink, therefore I swam."

A CHRISTMAS STORY

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."

"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

The mother's twin.
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."

"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
"I'll shop. I'll read, I'll sleep a whole night through!"

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared and I'm wet."

The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
"That's my child's love she's trying to steal."

Smiling wisely, Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.

I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."

With the clone by his side Santa said, "Good night.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001