Humor #29
Wisdom in Age
Professor: n., One who talks in someone else's sleep.
Senior Life vs. Freshmen Life
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what
classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what
classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture
hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of
Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor
"Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to
class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than
three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to
get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get
a good grade.
Freshmen: Roller skates to class.
Seniors: Roller skates instead of going to
class.
Freshmen: Knows a book full of useless trivia
about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean,
perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats
with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs
are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go
everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman
composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his
textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks
in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of
the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first parties of the
year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I
mid term.
Senior: Is proud of not ~quite~ failing Complex
Analysis mid term.
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night.
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and
callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus bar was
turned into a deli.
Freshman: Is excited about the world of
possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational
opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really
make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry
room.
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes
in class.
Senior: Meticulously quotes professor when he
says something funny in class (when awake in class and not
skating.)
- Compiled by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
- Original Source Unknown
AIRLINE HUMOR
Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.0 Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
HOW TO BE ANNOYING!!!!
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Don't picture yourself at Chez Paul saying in a Ford-County drawl, "Kin ah haive some frad pork rands withat?"
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send E-mail chain letters
FUNNY SIGNS FOUND ON REAL BUSINESSES
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop:We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
Last Updated 03/30/08