Humor #27
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." - Bertrand Russell
~~~ I'M normal, YOU'RE crazy! ~~~
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AT WORK
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I am going to have to disagree with you there, Chiachi."
4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you are doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I will be in the bathroom."
5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting are your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive"
7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day long and tell people you're waiting for your document. Once someone finally asks you to check what could be wrong, suddenly exclaim that you forgot to hit "OK" on the print screen.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward it to a co-worker and ask her to settle the dispute.
13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Label your file cabinet "OUT."
15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many".
16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
19. Put DECAF in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once all the caffeine addicts have stopped with the sweating and shaking, switch it to EXPRESSO!!!!!
- Additions and compilation by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org - Original Source Unknown
IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD...
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.
Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks and chocolates to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
Nerd Humor
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED + ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Baub Threlkeld baub@psy.otago.ac.nz
"A Christmas Story"
As related by a tourist: In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" which showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a diner on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me in her heavy southern drawl, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question "SO WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET - Submitted by Larry London
OK, All of you single people out there (myself included) We've heard this question so many times from family and friends, that here are a few good retorts to send back their way.
1. I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.
2. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating
3. It gives my mother something to live for
4. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
6. What? And spoil my great sex life?
7. Nobody would believe me in white.
8. Because I just love hearing this question.
9. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. (A New York Special)
12. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
13. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
FORE! (well, actually 3 jokes about some folks playing golf)
RevTonyAG tells us how engineers think in practical terms: A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
tees off next:
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
Dave Ussell's threesome included these folks:
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
"When I do good, my boss never remembers When I do wrong, he never forgets."
~~~ Life in Prison <~ versus ~> A Full Time Job ~~~
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'x 10' cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6'x 8' cubicle.
In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prision they can work out, read books, and play vollyball in the yard much of the day, for free, then relax in their cell. At work, I don't have any time on my break to go to the library or gym.
In prison they get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard would lock and unlock all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work I'm just ball and chained.
In prison they have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work I get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from my salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison they get their own toilet. At work I have to share.
In prison they spend most of their lifes looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work I spend most of your time wanting to get out and... hey, where did those bars on the widows come from?.
In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.
In prison they allow their family and friends to visit. At work I can't even speak to your family and friends.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001