Humor #25
Subject: The Patriotic Farmer
Dear Sir:
My friend, Richard Busch, in Kittitas, Washington, received a check for $1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My cousin Richard, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane I've been wanting.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps. Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours, George Steigleder
Why do people smoke?
1) Boredom. Smoking keeps one from falling asleep and embarrassing the person with whom one is supposedly having a spirited conversation. 2) Distraction. Particularly when one has yellow teeth and bad breath, smoking masks everything, visual and olfactory. 3) Peer pressure. I do, you don't do,so I don't befriend you. 4) Post Pacifier Stress Syndrome. When Mommy took away the pacifier, some of us never recovered from the shock. 5) Philosophical Enlightenment. I smoke, therefore I am. 6) Environmental consciousness. Otherwise the conservationists have nothing to complain about. 7) Medical support. Otherwise the doctors have less income.
A woman complains to the local airport about the plane that keeps staring into her bedroom every time she got undressed. The airport authorities finally tracked down the culprit; It was a Leer Jet.
Two aerials got married, it didn't work out. They had a great reception though.............
By tradition more than need anymore, some smaller commuter airlines still ask passengers their weight to determine flight load. Several of the smaller island hoppers in Hawaii still follow this ritual. The ticket agent asked the man buying his ticket his exact weight, and the guy kinda smirked and said, "With or without clothes ?"
The agent never even blinked or paused. "Whichever way you intend to travel with us today, sir."
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental, differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus!
Top 10 ways weddings would be different if men made the decisions:
10) Less "Oh promise me" and more "Louie, Louie"
9) Rehersal dinner kegger!
8) Bridesmaids wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.
7) Tuxes have team logos on the back.
6) June weddings scheduled around the basketball playoffs
5) Vows mention cooking and sex, specifically.
4) Couples leave ceremony in a souped-up '73 Charger with racing tires and flames on the side.
3) Dance with the bride and get punched in the face.
2) Big, slobbery dogs eligible to be best-man.
1) Tailgate reception!
Do you know why cannibals don't eat missionaries? You can't keep a good man down!
Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house ? Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.
So why did the new Christian convert sell his chicken farm? He heard he shouldn't be listening to foul language.
There was a old couple driving to Florida. The wife was hard of hearing. In Georgia they were stopped by a state trooper. The state trooper went to the man and asked to see his licence. The wife shouted to her husband, WHAT DID HE SAY? The husband shouted back, HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENCE. The wife shouted back, OK The trooper than asked the man where they were going? The husband said Florida. Then the wife shouted, WHAT DID HE SAY? The husband shouted back, HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE GOING. The wife shouted back, OK The trooper taking this all in looked back at the licence and said, "I see you're from Brooklyn. I went to Brooklyn. I had the worst sex of my life there." Then the wife shouted WHAT DID HE SAY? The husband shouted HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU !!!!!
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Calling in Sick....
Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I'm lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
A rose by any other name....
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
Submitted by: Dave LIttell @ ittauto.com
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
THE NEW LIBERAL VERSION:
It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to film of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association For the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on "Nightline" and charges the Ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the Grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on "Oprah" with the Grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings, "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the poor Grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the "Era of Greed".
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the Ant has gotten rich off the "back of the Grasshopper", and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-greeniism Act", RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The Ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the Grasshopper in a defamation suit against the Ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 pm, when there are no talk shows scheduled.
THE ANT LOSES THE CASE.
The story ends as we see the Grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food, while the government house he is in ... which just happens to be the Ant's old house ... crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The Ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the Grasshopper bought by selling most of the Ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding audience announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America!!!
A devilish ....
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001