Humor #24

WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class" -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

And since many professional athletes are known party animals advice from Ricky A Gabrielson:

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Job interfering with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

- You can focus better with one eye closed.

- You fall off the floor...

- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

- Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

- That darned pink elephant followed me home again.

- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

- I'm as jober as a sudge. - The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

- You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Daniel Houghton for defining politic:

Poli (poly) means many Tic is a blood sucking insect POLITICS: Many blood sucking insects.

Throne Room

Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addressed Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."

Clinton humor:

President George Washington said: "I will never tell a lie"! President Nixon said: "I will never tell the truth"! President Clinton said: "I wouldn't know the difference"!

Have you heard that Hillary called Bill and said "Bill, I am pregnant"? and Bill said "Who IS this?"

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton were in a limousine on the way to a meeting. A tornado swept by, picked them up and plopped them down in the Land of Oz. When they realized where they were, Dan Quayle said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Newt Gingrich said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Bill Clinton said, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"

Bill Clinton is visiting a elementary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a "TRAGEDY" One little boy stands up and says "If my best friend was playing in the street and a car came along and hit him and killed him that would be a "TRAGEDY." "No" Clinton says "That would be an accident" A girl raises her hand "If a school bus carring 50 children went off a cliff killing them all that would be a "TRAGEDY". "I'm afraid not" explained Clinton "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is slient none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a "TRAGEDY"??? Finally a boy in the back of the room raises his hand and in a timid voice says "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb "That would be a TRAGEDY". Wonderful says Clinton "Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY? Well says the boy "Because if wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it certainly wouldn't be no GREAT LOSS."

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated "state visit" to Great Britain. Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeded through the streets enroute to Buckingham Palace, the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach. Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizzare together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - - - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought; why, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Resume bloopers

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

* "I am a rabid typist."

*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

* "Qualifications: No education or experience."

* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

HEY BUBBA

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left A20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED - verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

A good attorney...

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.

After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001