Humor #23
I saw a sign outside a restaurant: "Now Serving Food." It made me wonder what they used to serve.
~~ Yum - I'll Have Seconds, please! ~~
The following are actual menu items in which people have made incorrect use of English words and created some rather bizarre dishes:
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion (Poland)
Boiled Frogfish (Europe)
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones (Japan)
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce (China)
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China)
French Creeps (L.A.)
French fried ships (Cairo)
Fried fishermen (Japan)
Fried friendship (Nepal)
Garlic Coffee (Europe)
Goose Barnacles (Spain)
Indonesian Nazi Goreng (Hong Kong)
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos (Cairo)
Pork with fresh garbage (Vietnam)
Prawn cock and tail (Cairo)
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong)
Roasted duck let loose (Poland)
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) (Europe)
Strawberry cr-p (Japan)
Sweat from the trolley (Europe)
Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan) T
oes with butter and jam (Bali)
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org (Original source unknown)
BILL GATES ' HOUSE
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
And from Fred Carlin A more modern version of the binding of Isaac
And it came to pass after these things that G-d did test Avraham. And He said to him "Avraham!"
And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am."
And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 95, which I will show to you."
And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where G-d had told him, there to find Windows 95.
Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286, and come again to you."
And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.
And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am, my son." And Yitzchak said, "Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?"
And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said:
"Fear not, Yitzchak my son, . . . . G-d will provide the RAM."
HUMOR-N-SUCH: "PARENTS' DICTIONARY"
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're angry with him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Suppose Edgar Allan Poe Used a Computer --
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, from " Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Author Unknown
~~ You Might Be In Education If... ~~
* You can converse in middle schoolease.
* Your last nerve is a distant memory...
* Every day is a bad hair day.
* You find humor in public parental discipline.
* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.
* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.
* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"
* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...
* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."
* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"
* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"
* You believe chocolate is a major food group.
* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,the kids are sure mellow today."
* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.
* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
* You have no life from August through June.
* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.
* You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.
* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"
THE CONFESSIONAL
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No."
"Was it Ann Brown?" "No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No, Father."
"Was it Amy Thomas?" "No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001