Humor #20
HUMOR-N-SUCH: "Computer Terminology"
Chip Jewelry --A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Plug-and-Play--A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait--The real meaning of WWW.
Dorito Syndrome--Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Glazing--Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition--The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the Chronicle ..."
Egosurfing--Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)--Used among computer folks to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year--The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek--The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Tourists--People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer--Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Salmon Day-->The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only to get messed up in the end.(Submitted by
ib4ujc@juno.com)
A great new software announcement!!!!
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one personat a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
Thank You For Your Time,
... I heard a few things about this great new software system myself. It's clearly destined to go down in the anals of history! I have heard of a few problems when they developed the system:
1. While under development, Software engineers were heard to say "I wish I could get the bugs out of MYASS."
2. An Engineer who was transferring the system with a rather slow modem was heard to remark "Boy! MYASS is really draggin'!"
3. An earlier version of this system , called the Century Hiatus Application Program (CHAPS) was incorporated into the more advanced system. At first, the developers didn't think the two versions could be put together, but when they tried, one engineer exclaimed, "Man, that really CHAPS MYASS!"
4. Secrecy was very important to the company that developed this system. The CEO was heard to say "I'll tell you one thing. I better not find MYASS plastered all over the front page of the newspaper!!"
5. One developer complained that "Once I put something in MYASS, I can't get it out again !! "
Sent in by Stan Kegel The Pandacerus, a history of genetic engineering
In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr. Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived more than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the French Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a hundred years before his time.
He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only one of this new species, which he called a pandocerus survived beyond infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full maturity.This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its frequent feedings as it desired.It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made commercial production of pandoceri uneconomical, and the process was never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.
In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from pneumonia.Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all of Europe.Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world's only pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent furry with the syringe on the top.
Editors Note: pa dum pum, <grin or groan..> I am a sucker for stories with bad puns at the end.. I've seen most of them, but if you've got a shaggy dog, go ahead and send it here <smiles@bapp.com>. For anyone who didn't understand this joke.. It plays off of a line in the musical 'Oklahoma' where they sing aboutthe joys of a surrey with a fringe on top.joke: .. "the magnificent furry with the syringe on the top."
[surrey = four wheeled horse drawn pleasure carriage].
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today thatit will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangementfor everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate
.She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
An Analytical View Upon The Strengths Of Consuming Beer!
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast asthe slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for theherd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Drink that beer! Your company andcountry need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001