Humor #19
Cannibal Story
Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when one mentioned that he had a belly ache.The other cannibal asked "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?""No", replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary.""Hmm", said the second, "And how did you cook him?" "I boiled him as usual" replied the first. The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?" "No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe.""Aha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him, that was a Friar!"
NEW WEIGHT LOSS PLAN ON THE MARKET
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?""No, from skipping."
BEER ANDT ICE CREAM DIET
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) inthe temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories(12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.Happy eating!
Are You A Flamer?
Since no one admits to being a flamer, and it's always the other guy, this quiz will help you determine if you are, in fact, the other guy.
1. You read a message that contains information you believe to be erroneous. You:
a) sigh and go on.
b) reply with a query that elicits more information.
c) draft an angry response in your mind.
d) post that angry response NOW.
2. Have you ever posted a message with any of the following phrases: "You (descriptive adjective or pejorative noun)" or "You obviously don't understand/know/appreciate ..."?
a) Never.
b) Sometimes.
c) Often.
d) It's in my signature file.
3. Your postings ...
a) what postings? I'm a lurker.
b) ask what I need to know.
c) answer questions when I'm sure of the answer.
d) restate the replies of others, only better.
4. Within the group or forum that you most often frequent, you are:
a) less knowledgeable than most.
b) about average.
c) more knowledgeable, but I don't flaunt it.
d) without me, the group would fall into an abyss of ignorance.
5. Everyone else in the group is:
a) encyclopedic and intimidating.
b) just folks.
c) in need of guidance.
d) functionally incapable of understanding my simple, well-articulated points.
6. Replies to your postings most often take the form of:
a) sneering silence.
b) reasonable discourse.
c) multiple, angry diatribes.
d) death threats.
7. When first entering a new group, you:
a) read all the threads in awe.
b) read everything but hang back.
c) engage in discourse where I feel comfortable.
d) respond to as many messages as possible, so people know I've arrived.
8. Online, you most enjoy:
a) reading others' conversations.
b) give and take.
c) getting a rise out of people.
d) really making the fur fly.
9. The most important thing in an online group is:
a) consensus.
b) keeping threads on-topic and relevant.
c) introducing new ideas and asides.
d) hawking my product or service to a new, ripe audience.
Score yourself one point for every "a," two for every "b," three for each "c" and four for each "d."9-15 points: You're holding back.16-22 points: You're a team player, if a bit on the quiet side. 23-29 points: You probably get on people's nerves occasionally. 30+ points: Burn your keyboard before you inflict yourself on anyone else.
AND THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES ARE...
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
DOS Users Anonymous
The heart of the DUA's suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest recovering DOS users:
1. We admitted we were powerless over upgrades-that our computers had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves - Microsoft - could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Bill Gates as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless Defrag and Scandisk of our hard drive.
5. Admitted to Bill Gates to ourselves and to our list server the exact version of our current operating system.
6. Were entirely ready to have Windows 95 remove all these accustomed benefits of convenience, reliability, and productivity.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our current operating system's simplicity.
8. Made a list of all files (hidden or system) we had accidentally deleted and became willing to commit to the Window's 95 recycling feature.
9. Made direct payment to Microsoft or its agent wherever possible, except when to do so would require us to use the MS Network.
10. Continued to struggle with the Win 95installation program and when we were finally out of time and patience promptly admitted it to Microsoft product support.
11. Sought through the Microsoft home page to improve our conscious contact with Bill Gates as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and software (conforming to the Active Accessibility standard) to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to disabled computer users everywhere and to use Windows 95 (or higher) applications in all our computing. Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so.
By: Jim A. jansl@world.std.com
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes,six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was xxxxx.The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.The chemical in question is WATER -- "hydrogen hydroxide."
"Good Nutrition"
"Guess what I learned...give up? I learned that Spam, Pez, & Mountain Dew go really good together because it's a complete balanced meal. The Spam gives you the nutrition, the Pez gives you the sugar, & the Mountain Dew gives you the caffeine. And all together it really tastes good!"~Ryan Young-15 (Submitted by Ryan Young)
Motor Vehicle
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked."Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Conventioning
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soom realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." Whoa! He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Heres the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sex." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein" Submitted by: PaulDmt @ aol.com
Deer Hunting Schedule
*** The Deer Hunt ***
1:00 am Alarm clock rings
2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pick-up
3:00 am Leave home for deep woods
3:15 am Drive back home and pick up gun
3:30 am Drive like heck to get to the woods before daylight
4:00 am Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the darn tent
4:30 am Head out into woods
6:05 am See eight (8) deer
6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07 am "Click"
6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
8:00 am Head back to camp
9:00 am Still looking for camp
10:00 am Realize you don't know where the camp is
-Noon- Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries
12:15 pm Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back
12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm Rescued!!
12:55 pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm Load gun - leave camp again
5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you
6:00 pm Arrive at camp. See deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm Load Gun
6:02 pm Fire gun
6:03 pm One Dead Truck
6:05 pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer!
6:06 pm Supress strong desire to shoot partner
6:07 pm In doing so, stumble and fall into fire
6:10 pm Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire
6:15 pm Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods
6:25 pm Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in radiator
6:26 pm Start walking
6:30 pm Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm Meet great big Bear!
6:35 1/2 pm Take aim
6:36 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:36 1/2 pm Lose all control of bodily functions.
6:37 pm Climb tree
9:00 pm Bear departing, wraps gun around the tree
9:03 pm Feeling relieved that bear is gone
9:04 pm Start climbing down the tree
9:05 pm Fall out of tree
-Midnight- Home at last
-Sunday- Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear instructions about what to do with it!!
Royal "flush"
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored."Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.""It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
Beer Story
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door."Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001