Humor #17
David House offers you another: Collection of E-mail Signatures
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like....night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand....you have different fingers.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
Eagles may fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jets.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an one arm? A happy pit bull.
Heaven's Gate Help Wanted Ad
Subject: Job opening Available immediately.
Thirty Nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house. Our usiness has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill. The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort. We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted. We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenol Barbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too.No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus. We are looking for real team players. Please send resumes to bunchowackos@highersource.com.
Batty Story
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen."Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
OBITUARY
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Humor for the Jewish Holdays..
On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) it is customary for Jews to go to the ocean, pray, and throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.
For Complex Sins.............................. Multi-Grain
For Sins Committed in Haste .................. Matzah
For Truly Twisted Sins ....................... Pretzels
For Substance Abuse .......................... Poppy Seed
For Committing Arson ......................... Toast
For the Ill-Tempered ......................... Sourdough
For the Silliest ............... ............. Nut Bread
For Having a Hole Where Your Heart Should Be ...... Bagels
For Acting like a Madman ...................... Crackers
For Cutting Remarks ............ .............. Sliced Bread
For Flaunting Wealth in the form of Fancy Cars .... Rolls
RULES OF JUDAISM:
- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. - If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
- After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
- No one looks good in a yarmulke.
- Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
- WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
- Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
- There's nothing like a good belch.
- Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
- Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
- The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
- And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
- If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. - Always whisper the names of diseases.
- One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
- If you don't eat, it will kill me.
- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. - Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
- Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
- Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
- Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
- Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
- The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
- A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
- Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? - Before you read the menu, read the prices.
- There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
- If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
- No meal is complete without leftovers.
- If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
- The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
- Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Editors Note: A few people have suggested that I not post certain kinds of humor because some people may not understand the references -- be it St. Peter and heaven, or a matzah ball and chicken soup. Sometimes I wonder how this plays in Peoria or across the world in India or Singapore, but hopefully it opens your mind just a little bit to other ways of life or thinking. If you have jokes, humor, stories based on your culture.. then please send them in! <smiles@bapp.com>
A classic joke sent in by Fred Eden: An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him. "Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Ummm... What's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbor. "Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"
And another classic sent in by Fred Carlin:
Dr. Goldstein bumps into Mrs. Shapiro in the grocery store. "Oh, Mrs. Shapiro" says the Dr. "Your dad came in the other day for a checkup and I get such a kick out of him. For a 90 year old man, he is in such good spirits!" "Why?" said Mrs. Shapiro, "What did he say?" "Well, he said that every time he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him, and every time he leaves the bathroom, God turns the light off." "Oh, darn" says Mrs. Shapiro, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks."10.." says the doctor."10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."
A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," answered the policeman."Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, puttingdown the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
Good Things About Rooming With the President's Daughter
As presented on the 09/10/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab
9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross
8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium
7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer
6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies
5. You become fourth in line for Presidency
4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted Kennedy
3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the President's volume discount
2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped around by Janet Reno
1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father.
Heres a thought: Singer-songwriter and mathematician Tom Lehrer said, "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001