Humor #16
Medical Records
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
sent by David House: REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________First name:_______________ First name:________________
(Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_]TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
Top ten things that would be different if the Twelve Apostles had been gay:
1) The 'Sermon on the Mount' would be a musical
2) Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day
3) Priests would get married... welllll ... never mind
4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Rick and Steve
5) Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS
6) The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just re-decorated
7) The water at the Wedding Feast of Cana would have turned into dry martiniswith just a splash of Curacao for color.
8) The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number
9) Replace the 'Beatitudes' with "Fabulous are they..."
10) The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
Word Games
The following are some of the winners in a New York magazine contest, in which the rules were to take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language, change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys
COGITO, EGGO SUM -- I think, therefore I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish
QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous
VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person,I conquered
PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied
QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort
ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON -- Tons of good luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Curly and Larry got wet
PORT-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough
FIU GENERIS -- What's mine is mine
EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail
VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here
On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breakingthis rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
some lines from Mindy Waltham:
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. -unknown
If the world were a logical place men would ride side-saddle. --- Rita Mae Brown
Sent in by Bob O'Lary: Bill Gates, to his stock broker:
"You spent my $150 million on WHAT?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!"
Waiter humor from Eric Mintz & Shalom Krischer:
The best stories come from Lindy's Deli -- the original Lindy's, that had the cheesecake (the pastry, not the female) in the window.
Drunk to Admiral Nimitz: Call me a taxi! Nimitz" "My good man, I am NOT a doorman; I'm an ADMIRAL!" Drunk: "Well call me a boat, then. I gotta get home!"
Bedraggeled guy walks into Lindy's on a cold, rainy night andsits down at a table. The waiter pads up to take his order, and the guy says "Bring me two eggs and a kind word, please." The waiter pads away silently.A few minutes leter, the water comes back with a plate of eggs,sets them in front of the customer, and turns to go without uttering a word. The customer asks "Wait a minute. What about my kind word?" The waiter turns, faces the customer, and says "Don't eat the eggs!"
A Lindy's waiter, at the end of taking lunch orders from a party of three men, asks "and to drink?" "Water," says the first patron. "Water for me, too," says the second. "I'll have water, also," says the third, "and make sure my glass is clean!" The waiter comes back with three glasses of water on a tray and asks "Which one wanted the clean glass?"
Concerned Boss from Rich Gautier via Frank Starr:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees' home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?".Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"."Yes.", whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.".Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer."May I talk with her?".Again the small voice whispered, "No.".Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child."Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"."No, he is busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"." A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!".Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?".Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!".
TOOLS
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes calleda drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin" which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at aboutthe same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray!
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine
ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001